I had seen you plenty of times on the app. Every time you popped up I scrolled through your pics again. You weren’t unattractive, there just seemed to be something about you. Something that made me feel like you weren’t someone to “swipe right” for. Then I would get to your bio and it read:
For some reason, you caught me in a place of “yes” this time and I thought to myself “Huh. Why the heck not. Let’s see what happens” and I swept right. It was a match.
I opened the conversation with a “how’s your day going”, not really expecting a response, since that’s what usually happens. But you responded. Then not only did you respond, you took control of the conversation. You wanted to meet. You asked for my number. I was pleasantly surprised.
We began texting and you asked for a picture of myself so I sent a selfie that I liked. Your next text was
And Your figure?
I wasn’t actually surprised that you asked. You seemed like a guy who would care about that kind of thing. I said “Worried that I’m a fatty?” to which you said “No. Just don’t want to waste my time or yours”. I still wasn’t offended. I sent a picture I had taken a couple days ago of an outfit from Avon. He responded
Just don’t come dressed like that when we meet.
That was surprising. It definitely wasn’t a date outfit and I knew that but I certainly didn’t expect to be told not to wear it. Honest Asshole. Place of Yes. We decided to meet on Thursday and that you would give me the place and time the next day (Wednesday).
Wednesday went by with no word. I wasn’t offended. I actually expected it. I felt like I had dodged a bullet.
Thursday afternoon you texted me the place and time. A bar on your side of town. Of course. At this point my sheer curiosity was my motivation.
I got to the bar first, prepping myself to give you a chance to redeem yourself. Maybe you came off worse in a text than in person. Maybe you had your guard up (the online dating world is a scary one) and once you were face to face you would loosen up a little.
The minute you arrived we did the pleasant hello’s and then I literally watched you look me up and down. You weren’t even subtle about it. I saw in your eyes that I wasn’t up to snuff. I asked you what you did for work and you said you were a trainer. Of course. We ended up bar hopping to find a place to sit and talk and on the way I made a joke about chivalry. You responded that it didn’t exist. At another point in our search I said something about relationships. You responded that they were pointless. You asked if I was buying the first round to which I quickly responded “nope”. It was clear what page you were on and it definitely wasn’t mine. Two could play at this game.
Him: Do you know why I swiped right for you?
Me: How could I know that? I only met you 10 minute ago. How are you going to ask me a question I couldn’t possibly know the answer to?
Him: I liked your first picture. But the others were horrible.
Me: Well then I’m sorry to be such a disappointment in person!
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Well all of those pictures are actually me so there’s no way that you could possibly be happy with what’s sitting in front of you.
Him: So why did you swipe right for me?
Me: To be honest, I’ve been swiping left on you for a while now because I always figured you were an asshole. But the other day when you popped up again I figured “heck, why not” and here we are and I was right and I love being right so this worked out just fine for me. .
All you could do was laugh. You didn’t try to deny it. You weren’t even offended. The next 15 minutes was the best verbal sparring match of my life. I wasn’t going to lay down and let you, King of the Assholes, say whatever you wanted with no regard whatsoever as to how it would make me feel. How many other women had put up with this? Women who let you put them down and make them feel less than? I’m not that woman.
We had a drink that ended up being on the house, lucky you. You were itching to get on with your evening. Salvage what remaining hours you had to find a sure thing to take home. You looked at me and said
So this is pointless.
I said, Oh yeah. This is pointless.
We stood up and I walked to the sidewalk, through a few people and turned around to say goodnight; at least a friendly handshake after such a glorious victory on my part. You were gone. Right into the bar to continue your night.
I can’t even call it the worst date I’ve ever been on. It was actually pretty thrilling. I felt like Russel Crowe in Gladiator, ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??? Because I certainly was entertained. I had slayed that lion and turned him into the rug in my Den of Dates. Ever a reminder of how strong I can be when the moment calls for it.
And to you, King of the Assholes, I hope you can forgive whoever burned you so badly in the past. Because you’re going to be a really miserable and lonely guy if you don’t.