There will be times I get in my head. I will over-think and analyze something and drive myself to the brink of madness. I will be my own worst enemy.
And I will rely on you to pull me out of these mental labyrinths. You’ll need to know when to be my calm in the storm. When to stop my as I spiral down my own sink hole of thoughts.
Even when I’m stubborn and don’t think you could possibly be right about the ridiculousness of my thoughts. Remind me that that’s one of the many reasons I chose you.
To be my anchor. My peace. My Ohm.
Your Head Case
I just don’t think it’s meant to be for you and I. Sure I could do it because everyone says I should and “that’s how people meet these days” but is that really the story I want to tell our grandkids someday??
You see kiddies, this one day while I was glued to my phone, swiping through hundreds of online profiles I saw one that had this great filter. His profile gave me 5 characteristics that he chose to use to describe himself and I wasn’t offended by them. So I swiped right and the rest is history.
I just have a hard time with that being our “story” and maybe I’m delusional for thinking that but hey, I’m a romantic at heart. Consider it one of my top 5 characteristics.
Your Ms. Swipe Right
I can’t wait to be old with you.
But not in an age sort of way.
In an, at the end of the day you read the newspaper while I knit, sort of way.
We’ll play a record and have a glass of bourbon
And you’ll tell me about politics and I’ll try my best to listen.
I’ll make you try on a new hat and you’ll pretend to know what a circular needle is.
And it’ll be just right.
Your old lady
There will be days when I spend a portion of my morning doing my hair in a particular way. And when you see this particular way I’m sure you’ll agree that it looks like I’ve put my finger into a light socket. And you’ll probably wonder if that’s how I meant for my hair to look.
The answer will be, yes.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain why I like the way it looks but just know that I do and that it won’t happen entirely often. So kindly let me know that I look like a crazy lady and by the next day the do will be gone, not to return for a while. Hopefully.
Your Someday Crazy Haired Lady
I need to get something out. Something that could change us more than anything we’ve ever been through. And only time will tell if that change will be for the better or worse. And the not knowing of that is enough to eat me alive. Then again, so is this thing inside me. So either way….
I think I’m in love with you.
There it is. In black and white. A real thing. Like the knot in my stomach and the quiver in my fingertips. Tangible. Words I haven’t used in regards to anyone for many, many years. Words that I don’t throw around frivolously. Words that I know won’t get me much in return.
Because right now our timelines don’t match up. They never really have. Since we met I always had this underlying feeling that we hadn’t been through enough life yet….we hadn’t marinated enough to be who we needed to be for each other in that way.
You were ready for it at first. I was your type then. You said things and did things that made that more than evident to me. But I wasn’t ready for that version of you in that way. Yet somehow over time, in our marinating, I seasoned out of being your type and you turned into mine. And now I want to say things and make that more than evident. But you’re not ready for this version of me in this way. Funny how life works.
So now I find myself trying to get over you. You who I’ve never even been in a relationship with. I have to find a way to be okay with not knowing what the future holds; with not knowing whether our timelines are even meant to line up. I have to have faith that if it’s meant to be, it will be, while not totally closing myself off to anyone else, like it would be so so easy to do.
Because I can’t make you love me. I can’t try to change every little thing about myself to fit your type again. I’m a different person now and if you aren’t in love this version, then that’s that. And that’s something I’ll have to be okay with. Because you mean too much to me to be otherwise.
And maybe in five minutes I’ll look back on this and regret every word or maybe in 50 years we’ll laugh about the time I confessed my love in a blog post. Either way, it’s out. No longer eating away at me. No longer just a thought that I’ve been rolling around in my head for months. And I’m glad for that.
While I was at work today one of my coworkers bent down next to me to tie his shoe. While he was bending he looked at me and began to say…
“Sarah. I know we haven’t known each other for very long but…”
I burst into laughter. Not a teehee kind of laughter. A loud, from the belly laughter. And I couldn’t help it or stop it. It was my gut reaction. Then I had a thought.
I can’t promise you that the same thing won’t happen when you’re the one on bended knee.
I can promise you that if it does, it won’t mean a no.
You’re someday Yesser
Can we make forts? Like full living room, or bedroom for that matter, sheet and pillow forts?
I can’t help but feel that they will be crucial to our marriage.
And if you’re the right man for me,
you’ll feel the same way.
Your Future Fun