I seem to find myself in the same dating pattern over and over again.

I meet a guy that I’m actually interested in and excited about. I go into it apprehensive. Past experiences has taught me to tread lightly…don’t spook the guy. They sense this apprehension and say all the right things to convince me they’re interested, they want a relationship, they can be trusted. So I slowly let my guard down. I let myself enjoy this person and being liked by someone. I start to get comfortable and believe them when they say…

I like you

I want to be with you

You’re the first girl in a while that {fill in the blank}

I miss you

I like having you around

When can I see you again?

But it’s not just the words, it’s the actions too. Opening doors, showing up, putting in the effort. I wasn’t born yesterday. Action always speak louder than words and the actions are there too.

So I let myself like him. I start to trust him. I open myself up. And just when I start to get comfortable and think things are real. The shift happens. The texting changes. No more “babe”. No more ” I can’t wait to see you”. I feel it in my gut that something has changed. So I ask about it. Head on. And what do I get…

Nothing’s wrong

It’s just a crazy work week

I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night

Don’t worry, we’re good

Can we reschedule?

I still like you

I don’t want to be someone who assumes the worst so I ignore the knot in my stomach and tell myself it’s just a bump in the road. Everything’s fine. Things will settle down and we’ll get back to normal. This is just life. My alarms are all going off inside of me but I ignore them. I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He’s been so solid and interested thus far. After 5-7 days of this mental/emotional civil war inside me, the axe falls. And it’s always the day things are going to go back to normal and settle down. If I’m lucky it’s a phone call. Sometimes it’s a text. But never an actual face to face conversation. And it’s always the same…

I’m just not ready for a relationship

I realize I can’t give someone what they need right now

This week has me questioning so many things about my life

It wouldn’t be fair to you

You’re great and I care about you

I need to work on me

It’s a gut punch. I saw it coming a mile away. I gave him the chance to take the money and run and he reassured me up and down that I was making things up. That I was over-thinking and reading into things incorrectly. Why?? So I find myself in this mental turmoil of which guy to believe. The guy I spent the first couple of weeks with who was interested and wanted a relationship? Or this new guy who is having a life overhaul all of a sudden. Is it that he doesn’t want a relationship or that he doesn’t want a relationship with me? For the sake of closure, what do I do with this?

The thing about patterns is that they have a common denominator. In this case, it’s me. So what do I do with that? Of course my illogical brain says NEVER DATE AGAIN. But we all know she’s crazy. I just feel myself being more and more jaded by having this exact thing happen to me over and over again. Is this normal? Is this dating? I feel like I don’t know anymore. When I meet someone who won’t do this to me will I actually be able to believe it? Or will I be too busy assuming the worst and preparing for the axe to fall, keeping me from opening myself up to a healthy relationship.

Will I know when it’s time for this pattern to end?