This blog has always been about my life and for a solid chunk of time that included a love life that was fairly lacking in the love department. As a romantically inclined person, it was something that was on my mind. A lot. And was written about here. A lot. Scrolling through my old posts is reminiscent of walking through a graveyard at times. It seems like so many of them are sad or defeated stories about situationships gone awry, my wants and desires for a future relationship and even some pretty horrible (or hilarious?) dates.

Well, my oh my, how the tables have finally turned! I’m in a real deal, actual factual, legitimate shmegitimate (idk….go with it) RELATIONSHIP. I never really thought about what I would write when it finally happened for me, so I find myself at a bit of a loss for words. What I can say is that this person has made all those years of being a singleton, absolutely worth it. I’m in such a place of appreciation for everything he does and who he is as a man. The little things are so huge to me because of all the crap I’ve put up with. And let me tell you….this man SHOWS UP. There have been so many little times when I think he’s going to let me down or disappoint me in a situation where others have. He doesn’t. He shows up, even if it’s not important to him, but because it’s important to me. Now if that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

Oh, yeah, and we’re in love (so gross, I know). I think every person makes an imaginary list of the things they want in a partner. Big deal breakers that they can’t live without and a slew of little things. The little things are more like a wish list. Things that you wouldn’t end a relationship over, but would be nice to have. Let me tell you, this man has the audacity to check them all. My big boxes, my little boxes and all the boxes in between. Sometimes I think I manifested him, like in Practical Magic (if you don’t know what I’m talking about….shame on you)…….(but really go watch it and get back to me.) It’s like I’ve hit the My First Boyfriend In A Really Really Long Time Is Super Amazing Lottery! Like I finally paid my dues of wrong guys so now I get to have the right one!

I didn’t think relationships could be this way. Or maybe I had given up on the idea of having one like it. I’m with someone who is more than a boyfriend, he is a partner. Someone I can rely on for life stuff, not just relationship stuff. He’s trustworthy in ways that make my over-thinking brain finally find peace. He communicates. There hasn’t been one topic that’s off limits or too much to discuss. He’s goofy as hell and I find myself tearing up from laughter on a regular basis. He’s an adult man who wants to be in an adult relationship! It seems like such a simple concept but after all the things I’ve seen, it’s huge to me.

I’ve always said that in order for a relationship to work, two people need to meet at the right time in their lives (proof from 2011). If their timelines are off, neither of them can force the other to be in the place they need them to be. I obviously can’t predict the future, but I do know that our timelines are lined up just right. Neither of us is needing the other to be someone they’re not or be ready for something they aren’t. We get to just be who we are and do some life together.

Just like I’ve always wanted.

I’ve made the decision to start giving people the energy they give me. I find myself being disappointed lately when I realize that I’m the only one trying in a dynamic, be it a relationship or friendship. I was always a ‘treat others the way you would like to be treated’ type of person (which I’m not always perfect at…being human and all). There seems to be an asterisk missing from that way of thinking though. For some reason I thought that IF I treated people the ways I wanted to be treated, then I WOULD get that treatment back. Well I’m realizing over and over again that that isn’t how it works. So when I start to feel like I’m investing time and effort into someone and not getting the same back, I get disappointed. And boy does it crush me. It makes me feel like I’ve wasted so much of my time and emotions on someone who doesn’t care either way. And why would I hold myself in that position?? But I suppose it’s partly my fault for holding the expectation on them in the first place.

So what do I do? Have zero expectations of people and assume the worst? Expect the same from people and be disappointed? I’ve been working for years on not being such a black and white person. Some Most situations in life aren’t that simple or straight forward. I feel like there has to be a middle from these options and it’s giving what I get. If I’m matching the same efforts I’m getting from someone then I’m not getting frustrated or let down. I’m not holding it against them that I’m not getting as much as I think I should.

I don’t want to assume the worst from people. It’s not in my nature. I’ve been a pretty bitter person in the past and I know it’s not a road I want to go down again. It’s fruitless and honestly, damaging. So I will make the effort to go forward without expectations but also not feeling taken advantage of emotionally. I will take people as they present themselves instead of how I see their potential.

I will give back the energy that I am given.

I seem to find myself in the same dating pattern over and over again.

I meet a guy that I’m actually interested in and excited about. I go into it apprehensive. Past experiences has taught me to tread lightly…don’t spook the guy. They sense this apprehension and say all the right things to convince me they’re interested, they want a relationship, they can be trusted. So I slowly let my guard down. I let myself enjoy this person and being liked by someone. I start to get comfortable and believe them when they say…

I like you

I want to be with you

You’re the first girl in a while that {fill in the blank}

I miss you

I like having you around

When can I see you again?

But it’s not just the words, it’s the actions too. Opening doors, showing up, putting in the effort. I wasn’t born yesterday. Action always speak louder than words and the actions are there too.

So I let myself like him. I start to trust him. I open myself up. And just when I start to get comfortable and think things are real. The shift happens. The texting changes. No more “babe”. No more ” I can’t wait to see you”. I feel it in my gut that something has changed. So I ask about it. Head on. And what do I get…

Nothing’s wrong

It’s just a crazy work week

I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night

Don’t worry, we’re good

Can we reschedule?

I still like you

I don’t want to be someone who assumes the worst so I ignore the knot in my stomach and tell myself it’s just a bump in the road. Everything’s fine. Things will settle down and we’ll get back to normal. This is just life. My alarms are all going off inside of me but I ignore them. I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He’s been so solid and interested thus far. After 5-7 days of this mental/emotional civil war inside me, the axe falls. And it’s always the day things are going to go back to normal and settle down. If I’m lucky it’s a phone call. Sometimes it’s a text. But never an actual face to face conversation. And it’s always the same…

I’m just not ready for a relationship

I realize I can’t give someone what they need right now

This week has me questioning so many things about my life

It wouldn’t be fair to you

You’re great and I care about you

I need to work on me

It’s a gut punch. I saw it coming a mile away. I gave him the chance to take the money and run and he reassured me up and down that I was making things up. That I was over-thinking and reading into things incorrectly. Why?? So I find myself in this mental turmoil of which guy to believe. The guy I spent the first couple of weeks with who was interested and wanted a relationship? Or this new guy who is having a life overhaul all of a sudden. Is it that he doesn’t want a relationship or that he doesn’t want a relationship with me? For the sake of closure, what do I do with this?

The thing about patterns is that they have a common denominator. In this case, it’s me. So what do I do with that? Of course my illogical brain says NEVER DATE AGAIN. But we all know she’s crazy. I just feel myself being more and more jaded by having this exact thing happen to me over and over again. Is this normal? Is this dating? I feel like I don’t know anymore. When I meet someone who won’t do this to me will I actually be able to believe it? Or will I be too busy assuming the worst and preparing for the axe to fall, keeping me from opening myself up to a healthy relationship.

Will I know when it’s time for this pattern to end?

but a see ya later.

When I decided to move to New York City 8 years ago, I had never visited it. A trip to NYC was never in the cards as a kid. It was expensive. It was dangerous. But for some reason when my best friend said “Where do we want to move” I blurted out “New York City!”. All I knew was that it was time for me to start the next chapter, I got to move with my BFF, that I had a degree in theatre and that NYC was THE city for theatre people. Simple as that.

And what an amazing decision it was. I have met the most amazing people. I have experienced things I still can’t believe are real. I’ve found a job that created a whole new path for a career that I didn’t even know existed. But most importantly, I made this city my own. I carved out a tiny little corner for myself and that is something that can never change.

I love New York City. I love the smells, yes, even the bad ones. I love the people and their resilience. The way they don’t take crap from anyone but will blindly help each other when they need to. I love the whale hanging in the Hall of Biodiversity at the Museum of Natural History. I love the ceiling at Grand Central Station and the archways that act as voice tunnels just below it. I love the window in my bedroom and the tree that grows outside of it. I love seeing the city from afar, at any time of day or night. It never gets old. I love the Rockettes and cry every time I see them. I love Chinatown and Little Italy. I love the diversity that’s everywhere here.

But even with all this love, all good things must come to and end. It’s time for me to leave NYC and start the next chapter. It’s time to be closer to my family and make plans for my own business someday. And as sad as that makes me, I would rather feel sad about leaving, than regretful. I haven’t overstayed my welcome here. I have no regrets about my time here and feel good about leaving with all this love.

I’ll always have New York City. I can’t wait to visit, bring my significant other here and eventually my kids. They’ll have NYC because I had NYC. And that’s an amazing parting gift.

I LOVE NY.

Buffalo here I come!

I’ve heard the phrase “people don’t change” so many times throughout my life.

“People’s core values can’t be changed.”

“At this age, if they haven’t changed now, they never will.”

“They are who they are. No changing that.”

Maybe I’m naive or maybe I’m a cock-eyed optimist but I just can’t buy that. I can’t believe that people’s eyes and minds can’t continue to be expanded to new ideas and that even the deepest rooted opinions can’t be stretched, challenged or changed.

I can’t buy into that because I consider myself living proof that it’s possible. Now before I continue, please know that this post isn’t a “look at me and how great I’ve become” post. It’s also not at all a post intending to shame or criticize my parents and their decisions in my upbringing. I give my parents all respect and appreciation for my childhood and honestly wouldn’t change a thing about my life. It’s the story of someone who has come a long way from one side of an opinion to another and who wants to continue growing.

This blog is called Stumblings and Stitchings and this is a post about stumbling.

I was raised in a part of New York that wasn’t very diverse. And where there were pockets of diverse communities, I wasn’t spending time in them. I was raised in the church. We went to services 3 days a week and both of my parents were active leaders. I was raised a Republican, even though I don’t remember ever having conversations about politics.

I attended a liberal arts college in Florida. My stumblings were many. It took me 4 years to realize my varying degrees of racism, homophobia and bigotry. It’s still hard to admit it, but I must. I had been raised in particular beliefs that were quickly challenged once I was away from the environment that I was raised in. I said all the wrong things. My intentions were never malicious but absolutely ignorant.

“Why did you choose to be gay?”

“People shouldn’t marry outside their race. It’s just easier for their kids.”

I would sing the “N” word if it was in a song I was listening to.

“Being gay isn’t natural.”

“Faggot.”

“Retard.”

I cringe as I type them and feel shame over the countless others that I’m sure had slipped out of me for years.

Sometimes I was greeted with responses that were much kinder than I deserved. Some people were willing to take the time to educate me, have a conversation with me and not tear me to shreds. Others were not and looking back, I can’t say that I blame them.

It wasn’t until I actually started meeting and getting to know diverse people that my eyes began to open. I felt love for people in new ways that made condemning them impossible. How could the God I know create all this beauty and intend for me to hate it?

While my eyes and heart were in the process of growing and changing, I certainly wasn’t going to rock any boats about it. I was happy to be feeling these new ways but voicing my new opinions wasn’t something I was interested in. I didn’t want to fight with anyone.

I moved to New York City. The MeToo Movement started. When people would say things like “well why didn’t she say something sooner” or “boys will be boys” or “it was before he was president” my blood would boil. I wasn’t afraid to rock that boat. A step forward.
The LBGTQ Movement was/is ever present here. I honestly have a really hard time wrapping my head around how your basic human rights differ depending on who you have sex with and your gender. Like…..really??? So because I like men I get the premium membership to America but if I liked women I’d only be allowed the basic membership. I can’t. This felt like such a no-brainer to me. Supporting people’s right to love whoever they want and be whatever they feel came very naturally. A step forward.
Then the first wave of the Black Lives Matter movement happened. I hate to admit that I was an All Lives Matter person. I was heart broken for what was happening to black people but for some reason couldn’t put my whiteness aside enough to realize that the movement wasn’t about putting Black people above White people, but bringing them to the same level. I was also too afraid. I have friends from childhood that are police officers and I think about them and how difficult their job is at times. In my mind, All Lives Matter was a way to not take a stand in one direction or the other. Feel for Black people but don’t rock the boat. A step backward.
Then 2020 happened. I moved to Harlem. I’ve never lived in a neighborhood where I’m the minority. This place has a culture that I have no claim to and rightfully so. I walk around and feel lucky to get to witness it and take any small part in it. When this new wave of the Black Lives Matter movement arose, I immediately felt different. I feel like I can see things so much clearer. Black Lives Matter is so that all lives can matter. Of course there are good cops. I know and care about so many of them. I worry for them. It’s the system that they work for that is the problem. It’s the system that encourages the bad cops to act the way they do. Of course there are criminals that should be punished for their crimes. Is the punishment death before you even get into the cop car? Of course looting and rioting isn’t helpful. What other choices have Black people been given? They are condemned and ignored when they protest peacefully.

Black Lives Matter isn’t about giving Black people a free ride. It’s about either giving them the 18 chances that White people get or giving White people the 0 chances that Black people get. It’s about an even playing field regardless of your race.

I feel shame that it has taken me this long to be willing to voice these opinions out loud.
Shame that I was more worried about what the people back home would think of me if I posted my thoughts on social media.
Shame that I disagree with some of the people I’m closest to and love the most.
Shame that I was so okay with remaining silent.

I look back at the person I was and the person I am now. There is so much growth there and it was rarely easy. I will never know or presume to know what it’s like to be Black in America. I can only educate myself and be open to hard conversations that check my privilege. I will make mistakes but I will try.

So I continue to believe that people can change. Their hearts can soften; their minds can expand. I believe that there’s room for everyone at the table and I will continue to do my part to make that possible.

I can’t call you a stranger
But I can’t call you
I know you think that I erased you
You may hate me, but I can’t hate you
And I won’t replace you

Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh oh oh oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go?

Think I’m tired of getting over it
And just starting something new again
I’m getting sick of the beginnings
And always coming to your defenses
I guess it’s good to get it off my chest
I guess I can’t believe I haven’t yet
You know I got my own convictions
And they’re stronger than any addiction
But no one’s winning

Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh oh oh oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go?
Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh oh oh oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go?

Keep me up with your silence
Take me down with your quiet
Of all the weapons you fight with
Your silence is the most violent

Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh oh oh oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go?
Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh oh oh oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go?

You don’t have to tell me
If you ever think of me
I know you see me dancing
Wildly in the fog of your memory
You don’t have to tell me
I can still believe

-Paramore

After all this is over and things begin to move toward our new normal, there are a few things I hope for:

I hope people are able to treat each other with more kindness.

I hope we can realize that we weren’t the only ones who went through this and that it was impact-full in various ways to everyone.

I hope we can value our free time and me time more.

I hope supporting small businesses becomes a priority for more people.

I hope we tip our wait staff better because living on tips is hard without a global pandemic, let alone after one.

I hope we really hug each other. Not just with our bodies but with our hearts.

I hope we value the time we get to spend in person with each other.

I hope we recognize the effect this pause has had on our environment and treat it better.

I hope we take more time to slow down.

I hope we spend more time looking into each others eye and less time using our eyes to open our phones.

I hope if we’ve found a new skill in this time that we integrate it into our new normal.

I hope we recognize and appreciate the people that keep this country going, regardless of their religion, race, sex or background.

I hope we can see people as just that…people.

I hope we don’t spend our time comparing our “productiveness” and beating ourselves up about it.

I hope social media influencers are no longer a standard for living.

Most of all I hope that we can genuinely come out of this with a different perspective. It doesn’t have to be profound or earth shattering. Things can’t go back to the way they were before so why not take this opportunity to do and be better? Feel better about our lives?

I hope this moment won’t go to waste.

Some years I decide to set resolutions, some years I can’t seem to come up with any that I feel really connected to and then sometimes I think of them 2-3 days into the year. Well, 2020 is the latter. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there are a few things I would like to focus on….be resolute about.

So here they are, my 2020 resolutions.

1. Listening- I’m a talker. This is not new information to anyone who knows me nor is it new information to myself. That being said, I know that I have a tendency to throw little quips or anecdotes into conversations while other people of talking. Usually they laugh or say something back and things continue on. Upon some self reflection lately I’ve realized how disruptive this can be. And rude. Of course it doesn’t come from a place of malice when I do it and so no one really calls me on it. But if I’ve noticed it then I’m sure others have too and it’s time that I make an effort to be better at really listening to people, rather than waiting for a moment where I can throw out a comment.
Talk less, Listen more.

2. Let go- I’m a fighter and as I’ve stated in past posts, I stick around in a dynamic much longer than I should. I hold on to the potential that I see in someone, hoping that things will change before it’s too late. Then it’s always too late and I’m much more hurt than I would have been had I let go sooner. So I’m really going to try letting go of relationships that I know, deep down, aren’t good for me. Regardless of how hard it will be and not knowing how things would end up.
Pick me, not Potential.

3. Be More Sustainable- I started this a little last year but want to be more serious about it going into this year. There’s so much waste in my life that’s totally unnecessary!! So much trash. So many single use things. It’s obviously a good decision for the environment but I also think it’s a good decision for me! What do I need all that trash for anyway?? In my efforts for sustainability I found 2 companies that can help me. The first, MightyNest. It’s a subscription that sends you sustainable products once a month and if you like it, you can buy more from their website. And it’s only $11! If you want $7 off your first box, check it out and use my referral code: INVITE7. It’s a great way to see what’s out there without making a big financial commitment upfront.  The other site I found is Grove Collaborative. This site is all about environmentally friendly products with flexible reoccurring shipments each month at really great prices. They even curate products for you once you place your first order. Not happy with your purchases? You can cancel at any time. Nothing to lose! If it intrigues you too, I have a referral code for you to get a free gift! Use This!
Less Plastic is more Pleasant!

4. Give back- This one is pretty simple. Be more generous! Ideally I would like to give to those in need in financial ways but….rent. So in times when I can’t quite swing that, I want to start giving back with my time. Time is money after all. So I’m going to start researching volunteer opportunities, because as poor as I feel most of the time, I am truly blessed and fortunate to have the life I have. And I should never take it for granted.
Time to give what I get.

5. Jazz things up- This one is even more simple! There are so many little holes in this city that have live music on any given evening. It’s ridiculous that I rarely go out and see any of them! Sometimes I forget how much I love Jazz and live Jazz in particular. It’s time to start taking full advantage of the music at my doorstep.
Fine tune my soul.

And that’s them! My 2020 resolutions. I feel pretty good about them. They will require effort but they aren’t unattainable. As all good resolutions should be.

Happy New Year

 

…the more they stay the same.

I just got back to the city after being in my hometown for 2 weeks. I’ve been back home for this amount of time before since I’ve lived in NYC but this time was a bit more nostalgic for some reason. I grew up in a pretty small town where if a building gets taken down or something new goes up it’s pretty noticeable. It seems like something has changed a little here and there every time I go home these days, which has been great to witness. I love my hometown and it deserves to grow and improve. That being said there are also things that haven’t changed a lick and it warms my heart.

Like the local diner that still only takes cash. Who’s booths are the same as they were when we went there in high school for breakfast before class

Or the abandoned parking lot where my high school bf and I parked to make-out after prom

The house that my best friend grew up in with the fridge in the garage that has more beverage options than most convenient stores. Only they’re a little more adult oriented now

Bismarks and Pink Stripe Cookies from Ecklof’s Bakery

The barn on the farm I grew up on is still standing, large as ever

Having a Rocker and sitting on the porch of The Lenhart Hotel while you gaze at the lake.

The floor of Poppop’s sun room is the best place to lay down after a big lunch

Wegmans

The smell of fresh cut grass on a back country road

All the little hole-in-a-wall places to get delicious chicken wings

But most importantly, the people. There are still so many people that I love in my hometown and that’s really worth the trip. I don’t always get to spend as much time as I’d like to with each of them, but I do try to make what time I have count.

I know change is inevitable and necessary. But this time around I was so glad to see that some things have remained the same.