Category: Moving

the fear

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I started going through some of my boxes that have been packed up since I moved home. It was time to get them into totes, throw away stuff I don’t want, and organize my life. Part of it was to make more room in my step dad’s man cave, part of it was to get ready for NYC. I have A LOT of crap.

As I was going through it all and thinking about where I would put these things in my NYC apartment, it slapped me a little. MY NYC APARTMENT. NYC. It scared me. I hadn’t realized how comfortable I had gotten here. How normal it had become. I enjoy seeing the people in my life whenever I feel like. Or at least knowing that they’re there. That won’t be the case for much longer. And for the first time that’s frightening me. I don’t know if this is what cold feet feels like but I can imagine that it’s similar. And so far it’s not enough to keep me from going through with the move, but I fear that it will as November gets closer.

I know moving is a scary thing. Especially since I’ve chosen one of the biggest cities in the world. But there’s something inside me that says I have to do this. And I hope that part stays stronger than this little fear creeping in. Even if I get there and decide to come back in a week.

I feel like this is going to get more stressful as the days go on.

In a New York state of mind

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The decision has been made. Come mid-November I will be making the move to the mecca of theatre, New York City!! It just feels right at this point in my life. I’m only 25, not married, and willing to work my ass off and live on ramen noodles. What more of a sign does a gal need?! While I had been leaning  towards this decision for a while it wasn’t a definite thing until my best friend said she was coming along too. Even though I have a ton of friends there at the moment it just feels better knowing that I’m not going alone.
Is it still a little scary? Oh heck yes. But I’m really excited for the challenge. I’ve never even visited there so I don’t have a clue if I’m even going to like it or not, though everyone tells me I will. My mom is slowly coming to terms with the idea but I think she acts more okay than she really is to show her support. The rest of my family is doing the same. I think they’ve come to realize that I’m going to do what I have to do regardless, and this is something that I really feel that I need to do.
I don’t want to wake up one morning, be 45, and realize that I never even gave it a shot. The way I see it, even if I’m over the whole thing in a week, I can at least say that I tried. I took the leap. And what a leap it will be.
The idea of the high rent and general cost of living on top of my school loans is the thing that gives me the most anxiety. I’m so nervous that I’ll get there and even 2 jobs won’t be enough to keep my afloat. The last thing I want to do is fall back into debt and have to move back home to dig myself out. It was humiliating and disappointing enough 2 years ago.
So that’s that! It’s official! And I couldn’t be more thrilled. The closer I get to November and the more I say it out loud the more tangible it seems. I’m really doing this. Come hell or high water (NOT an Isaac reference) and I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

the next month

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I can’t believe it’s already June. wth! It snuck up on me today when I was looking at Caden’s school calendar to see then he would start summer break. As I found the date a voice in my head said “Hey, after June comes July”. Now I know that seems fairly obvious but this July is going to be a little different from my past two.

just a couple of clowns

Starting July 1st I will no longer be a full time nanny. I’ll still be part time to help out with chores and entertaining the kids so our mom-to-be can rest or get other things done easier. But I won’t be there every day. It’s scary just typing it. This is what I’ve known for almost 2 years now and the idea of not seeing these kids as often is really starting to affect me. Deep down I know it’s my time to move on and get my life back on track, but boy am I going to miss them. {The tears are welling} I’ve watched them both grow up so much and Mikenna and I have become particularly close. We went to Pre-K this year and what a blessing that has been as well. Tomorrow is our last day and I’m really sad about it. I’ve come to know the other women in the class and really enjoy their opinions and input. It’s as if this is my last month in high school again and everything is important to take in and remember forever. 

Beyond all these emotional feelings, this next month will have some big decisions in it as well. I still haven’t heard from any theatres about a job which means Plan B will shortly be in affect. The biggest problem with that being…..I NEED to pick a place to move to. There are a few places on the table: NYC, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Chicago and Charlotte and the front runners. All places where I have friends, all places with plenty of theatres. Decisions decisions. The thing that makes is somewhat difficult to choose is, I don’t really know how to set them apart or rank them really. Sure some would be more expensive than others or seem more dangerous but I don’t want those to be factors in my choice. So I guess I need to figure out what DOES factor into making my choice. Maybe that will be what June is for. Deciding what it is that I’m looking for in a location. Figuring out which place will best fit me and vice versa.