the end

You feel it coming. It’s almost like the wind shifting directions. That slight switch where deep down in your gut you know he’s changed his mind about things. His actions are different. He doesn’t talk to you the same way. So do you ride it out and hope for the best or nip it in the butt? Unfortunately for me I’m the ride/hope type. It’s a slow ride down a hill until you get the bottom and you’re left with….yourself. Yourself and a brain on hyper-speed, thinking about what you could have done differently, how could this have happened again, was any of it real? You’ve been here before so you know you’ll be fine. Life will go on. But you also know that before that happens you have to get through the steps. Everyone knows the steps: Pity, AngerMe, AngerYou, Hurt, Bitterness, Revenge.
Pity– this includes the “why me?”‘s and all other self-depressing questions. Your logic tells you these things are lies but somehow these poisonous thoughts manage to creep in and hold you down. You think of every comment or questions imaginable to rip yourself apart. And nothing anyone else says can really help you feel differently.
AngerMe – this version of anger is the type you feel against yourself. Being mad for letting yourself get into such a vulnerable position in the first place. Feeling frustrated for letting yourself put your guard down again. The reality of it is, there’s no way you could have known that things would have happened the way they did. But a part of you still wants to kick yourself in the ass for opening up.
AngerYou – this is total, all out anger at the other person. “How could he do this?” and “I can’t believe he just doesn’t care”. Your insides get hot just thinking about what happened. Just his name makes you furious.
Hurt – probably the most healthy and normal of the steps. It’s not made up or over exaggerated. You’re just hurt. The situation makes you feel sad and bruised. I happened, there’s nothing you can really do about it, so you let it go and let yourself hurt.
Bitterness – I’m too familiar with this one. Comments fall out of your mouth like “Bring on the cats!” and “I’m going to be a lesbian instead” and “I’m never dating again”. It almost makes you feel better to just blurt them out, knowing somewhere in your mind that it’s not true at all. It’s all a facade….a facade that only really fools yourself.
Revenge – bring your baseball bats! Okay not really, but you think about it. Your mind makes up all these little scenarios of way to get some revenge. You feel the need to inflict the some kind of pain on the other person, hoping to return the favor they’ve done you. Now, if you’re an immature IDIOT you might act on this. I don’t suggest that. It’s best to check these thoughts and keep them at just that, THOUGHTS.
They happen in any order, last for any given amount of time and there are plenty of song lyrics for your facebook status that represents each one, perfectly. The more you’ve experienced them the better you get at controlling them. And after you’ve gone through them, you’re free. You wake up one morning and feel light again; the storm has passed. The end is over. {sigh}

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