It’s my norm. With male relationships anyway. And yes, it has everything to do with the relationship I had/have with my father. I guess to keep it short and sweet we’ll just say that my dad was a good father, but he wasn’t ever a great father. And it wasn’t really a choice he made. He just didn’t really know how. This caused for a great deal of bitterness on my part growing up. There was always something missing in our relationship, it never really clicked. Over the years it has gotten better, on both of our ends. I had to come to terms with the fact that I would probably never have my ideal father-daughter relationship, and to be ok with the relationship I did have.
Somewhere along the road though, I became comfortable in the dysfunction. It was what I was used to. With men anyway. And of course it started to play itself out in the guys I chose to date. Obviously at the time I had no idea it was happening, but I managed to get myself into “relationships” (I use the word loosely since not many of them can actually be called one) with guys who were either emotionally unavailable, not interested in the same kind of relationship as I was, or were great guys that had awful timing. Looking back now it’s easy to see the red flags and road blocks in all of them. That’s not to say that I’ve dated a string of bad guys. There have actually been some really great guys in the mix that I still consider wonderful friends, but at the time the situation just wasn’t right for us. And it’s not a matter of a lack of good guys being interested either. There have been close to perfect guys that for some reason, reasons I can’t explain, I just haven’t been interested in. It’s frustrating. Sometimes I wish I could will myself to be into them, but I know that wouldn’t be entirely fair to them. And the idea of pretending to like a guys just seems cruel to me.
So, now that I’m aware of the fact that I get myself in these impossible relationships, the big question is, How do I stop? How do I keep myself from being interested in the guys that aren’t right for me or aren’t interested in the same thing that I am? How do I avoid the guys that I know are covered in dysfunction.
I have no idea. Not a damn clue. I keep hoping that one of these days I will wake up and just have the answer, right there in front of me, ready to put to good use. So far that hasn’t happened. And within the past year I do feel like I’ve gotten a little better and avoiding really bad fellows. But still.
I’m ready for someone great. And I don’t want to miss out on that someone because I’m too busy trying to make things work with the wrong potential someone.
What a pickle. A big, dysfunctional pickle. Whatever that looks like…