lost one

Recently a good friend of mine expressed that his girlfriend was not comfortable with our close friendship. We work together and have known each other for over a year now. In his words, “we have to be strictly business” from now on, no meaningful conversations or long talks anymore.

I’m devastated. Not only for the fact that I now have to act like I don’t know this person, but because this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Several other male friends in my life have been given the ultimatum of “her or us” and obviously they always choose the “us”. And it hurts. Every time. It makes me feel expendable as a person. Like the time we’ve spent getting to know each other and being there for one another means absolutely nothing in the long run. My time and emotions wasted.

Since this isn’t the first time I’ve been in this position I find myself thinking the same thing as well. What should I do? Do I ignore the request of my friend because he doesn’t even agree with it? Do I pretend we’ve never met? Should the anger inside me turn into it’s usual sarcastic comments that fall out of my mouth like carbon dioxide? I don’t know. I’m hurting. I’m mad. I’m confused as to why this person was introduced to my life only to be taken away. I do know that I’m not a fan of the pit in my stomach that occurs when we’re at work together. That it hurts my heart when I have to ask him a question that only he can answer and I can’t make eye contact with him. That I dread going to work in general because of the constant reminder that we are now acquaintances.

How are people supposed to go backwards in any relationship? Is it possible to pretend that we didn’t share our deepest thoughts with each other? That we don’t know each other as well as we do? That we feel important to each other?

I don’t know the answer. I feel such a great sense of loss. As if there’s been a death. And I guess there has been.

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