It’s become clear to me lately that I need to start reevaluating the way I choose friends and whom I choose to keep close to me. Looking back at this summer there seems to be a few huge examples of this and I’m finally becoming aware of it. I get comfortable too quickly and give too much too soon. I ignore red flags about people, or feel like I’m too deep to get myself out once things go south. I assume that just because I wouldn’t treat them a certain way that they won’t do the same to me. I find myself being hurt a lot lately by people who I thought were my friends.
Growing up, my mom was always teaching me the difference between someone who is an actual friend and someone who is an acquaintance. The fact that she told me that there IS a difference was huge in itself I think. I didn’t invest emotionally in people that I felt were not going to invest in me. I could tell the difference. Looking back it seems that I’ve lost the knack for that.
So I guess the question now is, how do I get back to doing that. I’m sick of being hurt and betrayed by people I let into my life. I’m sick of letting the wrong people get too close to me. And with moving to the city getting closer I can’t help but feel that it is imperative that I figure this out. I don’t want to be a totally closed off person, that’s not me. So I need to find the balance between opening up too much but still being a warm, welcoming person. Or maybe I just need to not care when someone in my life lets me down. Maybe I should come to expect it from anyone? That feels so dark though.
I don’t know. For now I think being aware of it is a step in the right direction. Hopefully that will naturally turn into being more choosey with the folks I call friends and those I consider acquaintances.