a holding pattern

I’m in one. And I don’t really mind being in one. And that worries me a little.

I do the same thing every day. I wake up and knit. I go to work. I come home and knit. I go to bed.
NYC is expensive and Christmas is coming so it doesn’t really bother me that this is my habit lately. That being said I do feel a small restlessness inside.

I miss my sewing machine. Some days I think about how great it would be to spend a whole day sewing. I have quilts I’d love to finish, projects I’d like to make but I have to keep telling myself “Apartment #2. Apartment #2 will be bigger. Apartment #2 will have room for my sewing machine”. I can only hope it’s true.

I think about college times a lot lately. How carefree life was and how much fun I had. My biggest worry (other than classes of course) was trying to find a parking spot near my dorm. I was surrounded by a great group of friends, I was involved in things that were really fulfilling, and I lived in St Pete! It was wonderful. Maybe I used up all my fun in college and now in my late-ish 20s I’m paying my dues for it. I’m certainly paying the loans for it.

There’s a hole in my heart that only the theatre can fill. It’s coming up on a year since I moved to the city and I know it’s about time I start really pursuing my career again. No more excuses. No more “I just need to get through X,Y,Z”. The time is now; even if I have to hold 2 jobs and volunteer as an usher. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again if it means getting my foot in the door. I need theatre.

I don’t spend enough time here. I look at how many posts I’ve written in years past and I can’t believe how much they’ve tapered off. I love having this blog! I love being inspired by other blogs! It’s such a wonderful online community. Just the other day I was riding the subway and I recognized a woman as she got on. It was Cara from Maskcara! I couldn’t believe that of all the subways, here she was on mine. She lives in Utah for crying out loud! I mustered up the courage to say hello and she was amazingly friendly of course. For a blogger it’s celebrity status when you see the person who’s words you read on a regular basis. It was awesome to say the least.

It’s become clear to me that I’m not the best at staying in touch with the people I care about. I talk to my immediate family on a regular basis but I have some really wonderful people in my life that I don’t talk to nearly as often as I should. And that makes me feel like a real shmuck. What kind of friend can I expect others to be to me if I don’t put some effort in on my end too? Distance is no excuse in these times. With facebook, skype, and even a good ol’ fashion telephone there’s no reason to not stay in touch better. It’s shameful really.

I didn’t mean for this post to get so down! I’m not depressed or anything, just introspective lately, and maybe that’s the silver lining of this holding pattern. It’s giving me the time to step back and evaluate the things that I want to change so when the pattern has run its course maybe just maybe I’ll be a better me.

Does this mean I’m an adult or something?? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.


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