Lately I find myself wondering how I’ve managed to not be in a relationship for about 9 years and yet feel like I’ve been broken up with about 5-6 times.

Now I’m not math wizard but that just doesn’t add up right?!

I seem to find myself in these dynamics with guys where it’s not a full on relationship, but there are definitely relationship feelings and relationship conversations. And they go on for months. Months of getting to know someone and slowly feeling attached to them in that certain way. Talking daily about how your days are going, lamenting about work, sharing stories about your friends and families. It walks like a relationship, talks like a relationship and feels like a relationship.

But it’s not a relationship. It’s an un-relationship.

And there’s always some element keeping it from becoming an actual relationship. In some, distance is a factor. In others people’s pasts don’t seem to stay in the past. And in other’s a job is the culprit. But in any case times goes on and then, it ends. And it’s always a gradual distancing. The frequency of texts starts to decline. And you want to think it’s not happening again but your gut knows better. But you stick it through anyway because ‘maybe he’s busy’ or ‘maybe things will go back to what they were’. Deep down you know neither is the case. And even when you ask ‘Hey, what’s going on here? Things aren’t the same.’ you’re reassured that nothing’s wrong. WRONG.

Then it’s decision time. Do you let it fizzle out completely and act like it never happened? Do you call this person out and ask for some sort of explanation? Do you bite the bullet and say ‘Hey, this isn’t working for me anymore’? For a while it’s been the former for me. I would hold on for far too long, hoping things would turn around until it was just a little pile of dust, easily blown to the wind. 

But I’m learning. It might have taken me a few too many times but I’m finally realizing how not okay I am with these un-relationships. They might make me feel happy at first but they definitely aren’t worth it in the long run. I’d rather put my time into someone who actually wants the same thing that I do and is ready for that. Seems simple right? Stay tuned.

This morning I went to a cycling class at my gym. I hadn’t been in a while but I had taken class with this instructor before so when I walked in and didn’t recognize the woman up front, I didn’t think much of it.

A woman(we’ll call her homegirl) came in and also realized that the woman up front wasn’t the usual gal and immediately asked where she was. The instructor quickly responded that she was subbing for the other lady.

Guys I cannot begin to describe the look homegirl gave the instructor. Her disgust was palpable. It was a look that will forever be seared into my mind.

Nevertheless, she got on her bike. Another woman inquired about the original instructor and was told that it was just for today because something came up. So simple. Life happens.

The class started and the instructor made a joke about how she wasn’t going to do anything to make her sweat today since she had just paid a large amount of money for her new hair color. I literally laughed out loud because…preach gurl. #blondelife

Within minutes homegirl was up and off her bike. She snatched her bag and out the door she went.

Again, I laughed out loud. What a life. What a luxury to be able to be that bent out of shape about a different woman teaching your cycling class. I get that people prefer certain instructors to others, but are you that miserable that you would walk out of a class on this woman?? Some people.

I hope that I never become that luxurious.

I had seen you plenty of times on the app. Every time you popped up I scrolled through your pics again. You weren’t unattractive, there just seemed to be something about you. Something that made me feel like you weren’t someone to “swipe right” for. Then I would get to your bio and it read:

Honest Asshole.

For some reason, you caught me in a place of “yes” this time and I thought to myself “Huh. Why the heck not. Let’s see what happens” and I swept right. It was a match.

I opened the conversation with a “how’s your day going”, not really expecting a response, since that’s what usually happens. But you responded. Then not only did you respond, you took control of the conversation. You wanted to meet. You asked for my number. I was pleasantly surprised.

We began texting and you asked for a picture of myself so I sent a selfie that I liked. Your next text was

And Your figure?

I wasn’t actually surprised that you asked. You seemed like a guy who would care about that kind of thing. I said “Worried that I’m a fatty?” to which you said “No. Just don’t want to waste my time or yours”. I still wasn’t offended. I sent a picture I had taken a couple days ago of an outfit from Avon. He responded

Just don’t come dressed like that when we meet.

That was surprising. It definitely wasn’t a date outfit and I knew that but I certainly didn’t expect to be told not to wear it. Honest Asshole. Place of Yes. We decided to meet on Thursday and that you would give me the place and time the next day (Wednesday).

Wednesday went by with no word. I wasn’t offended. I actually expected it. I felt like I had dodged a bullet.

Thursday afternoon you texted me the place and time. A bar on your side of town. Of course. At this point my sheer curiosity was my motivation.

I got to the bar first, prepping myself to give you a chance to redeem yourself. Maybe you came off worse in a text than in person. Maybe you had your guard up (the online dating world is a scary one) and once you were face to face you would loosen up a little.

Maybe not.

The minute you arrived we did the pleasant hello’s and then I literally watched you look me up and down. You weren’t even subtle about it. I saw in your eyes that I wasn’t up to snuff. I asked you what you did for work and you said you were a trainer. Of course. We ended up bar hopping to find a place to sit and talk and on the way I made a joke about chivalry. You responded that it didn’t exist. At another point in our search I said something about relationships. You responded that they were pointless. You asked if I was buying the first round to which I quickly responded “nope”. It was clear what page you were on and it definitely wasn’t mine. Two could play at this game.

Him: Do you know why I swiped right for you?

Me: How could I know that? I only met you 10 minute ago. How are you going to ask me a question I couldn’t possibly know the answer to?

Him: I liked your first picture. But the others were horrible.

Me: Well then I’m sorry to be such a disappointment in person!

Him: What do you mean?

Me: Well all of those pictures are actually me so there’s no way that you could possibly be happy with what’s sitting in front of you.

Him: So why did you swipe right for me?

Me: To be honest, I’ve been swiping left on you for a while now because I always figured you were an asshole. But the other day when you popped up again I figured “heck, why not” and here we are and I was right and I love being right so this worked out just fine for me. .

All you could do was laugh. You didn’t try to deny it. You weren’t even offended. The next 15 minutes was the best verbal sparring match of my life. I wasn’t going to lay down and let you, King of the Assholes, say whatever you wanted with no regard whatsoever as to how it would make me feel. How many other women had put up with this? Women who let you put them down and make them feel less than? I’m not that woman.

We had a drink that ended up being on the house, lucky you. You were itching to get on with your evening. Salvage what remaining hours you had to find a sure thing to take home. You looked at me and said

So this is pointless.

I said, Oh yeah. This is pointless.

We stood up and I walked to the sidewalk, through a few people and turned around to say goodnight; at least a friendly handshake after such a glorious victory on my part. You were gone. Right into the bar to continue your night.

I can’t even call it the worst date I’ve ever been on. It was actually pretty thrilling. I felt like Russel Crowe in Gladiator, ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??? Because I certainly was entertained. I had slayed that lion and turned him into the rug in my Den of Dates. Ever a reminder of how strong I can be when the moment calls for it.

And to you, King of the Assholes, I hope you can forgive whoever burned you so badly in the past. Because you’re going to be a really miserable and lonely guy if you don’t.

I turned 30 over the weekend. The big 3-0. Contrary to birthdays past, this one had me slightly unhinged. The idea of no longer being a 20 something felt heavy to me. The fact that there were things I always thought I would have accomplished in my 20s, that I hadn’t, I found unsettling. But, if there’s one thing that moving to NYC has taught me, it’s that the timeline you think your life needs to run on, doesn’t really exist. There’s no correct age to accomplish certain things. And if I really take a look at the last decade, the things I have accomplished fully outweigh the things I haven’t. So in the spirit of reflection and appreciation, I’m making a list of the things the last decade has taught me. 10 years of learning and mistake making and growth. Some lessons learned the hard way, some by observation, so don’t read to heavily into all of them please.

On the topic of life:

• Pick up and move. It will be scary and hard but it will be the best thing you can do for yourself.
• You aren’t in high school anymore so stop expecting your body to look like it still is.
• Buy fresh flowers. Even if they’re $5 bodega flowers. They’re worth it.
• Don’t open that Gap Credit Card. The initial discount isn’t worth it.
• The dreams you had for your life will probably change/morph over the years. Go with the flow. They could end up being even better than your original dream.
• Life really isn’t black and white. It is frustratingly and confusingly and wonderfully grey.
• Do whatever you have to do to go to another country. And when you do, take the time to not be a total tourist. Find the spots the locals go to. That’s where the good stuff happens. And write about it. You’ll forget things over the years so make sure you write things down.
• Facebook is not your diary. Have a blog instead. Or an actual diary.
• Try the vegetables you hated as a child. You’ll probably like them now. Except peas. They’re still the worst.
• Care about what the right people think.
• It’s okay to be by yourself sometimes.
• When in Paris, eat snails.
• It’s okay to change your mind about things. Even if it’s something you’ve felt a particular way about for a long time.
• Plan road trips.
• Make friends with the shop owners next to your apartment.
• Create things. Use your hands to make something out of nothing. It’s so rewarding.
• The Florida sun will always burn you. Always.
• Learn to cook and more importantly, trust yourself in the kitchen. You’re more capable than you think you are.
• Going to the doctor is actually something you should do more than once every five years.
• A split second decision can have a ripple effect that touches more than just you. And can’t be taken back.
• Get in the water with the manatees. The story is worth it.
• It’s okay to keep your mouth shut sometimes.
• Don’t be afraid to question your own opinions. Especially the ones that you’ve been raised to have. They might not actually be your own.

On the topic of friendship:

• You may never get closure on why some friendships end. Come to terms with that.
• Some friends will become your family and you might even fight with them like they’re your family, but that also means that you choose to keep loving them like family too.
• When a friend comes to you with a problem, it isn’t always your job to fix it. Just listen.
• Know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance
• Don’t beat yourself up for not staying in constant touch with friends that live far away. Communication works both ways and usually it’s the time you do spend together that means the most.
• Don’t expect one person to carry all of your emotional baggage. It’s not fair to them nor is it their job.
• When your friends of the opposite sex get married, your friendship will change. Like it or not.
• Celebrate each others little things. Preferably with prosecco.
• When you find yourself in job position in charge of your peers, do your job first, then be their friend. They won’t like it and it will definitely suck most of the time. But the right people will respect you for it and end up being true friends.
• Don’t prioritize your boyfriend over your friends. When that shmuck is out of the picture your friends won’t be.
• Someday your guy friends will date women who aren’t intimidated by you and it will be great! Try not to assume that they hate you in advance.
• When your friend decides that you’re no longer friends, you’ll always still be glad that you didn’t go out with her ex to get back at her.
• Be the DD. You’ll be so sober watching your friends be drunken fools but you’ll feel better knowing they got home safe.
• It’s a two way street.

On the topic of love:

• It isn’t written anywhere that you must remain friends with your ex. In some situations the healthiest thing you can do is realize that that person isn’t bringing anything to the table as a friend either and walk away.
• On the opposite side of that coin; there’s something to be said about continuing to appreciate the things about an ex that made them attractive in the first place and choosing to not hate them for not being “the one”.
• Men won’t do things if they don’t want to. So if he isn’t calling/texting/visiting it’s because he doesn’t want to. Take that as the hint it is and keep it moving.
• If you want a man to be chivalrous, act like a lady who deserves that.
• Try not to be “one of the guys” when you’re with your guy. Chances are he’s dating you because you’re not a guy.
• So you think that you found “the one”. That doesn’t mean jack if he doesn’t think you’re “the one” too.
• Emotional and verbal abuse is still abuse.
• Putting up with “just a little more of his crap” isn’t going to suddenly make him realize how great you are. He should have figured that out from the start and not put you through any crap.
• Your sexuality is not your best asset for attracting men. Or at least the right men.
• If a guy jokes about being a “jerk”, chances are it’s not a joke.
• Learn to be okay with being taken care of.
• Love really is about a mutual weirdness. So if you don’t have that with someone, maybe it’s time to move on.
• Actions will always speak louder than words
• You will fight sometimes but fight fair. Avoid the low blows. Those are especially hard to take back.
• All the heartache from past relationships is entirely worth it when you’re with the right person.
• It might seem totally hopeless at times. Like you’ll be alone forever. A spinster. Don’t get down. Take this time to better yourself. You’ll be even more ready when the right one comes along.
• It’s alright to go above and beyond for someone, as long as it’s not at the price of your own happiness/sanity.

I’m sure I could continue but I’ll stop there. A lot of people I have talked to say that their 30s were even better than their 20s. My 20s were pretty great but I still hope they’re right. I hope that when I’m turning 40 I’ll be able to look back and have a whole new list of things I’ve learned and grown from. Because that’s what it’s about isn’t? What’s the point of experiencing all these things and making mistakes if we aren’t learning from them?

So here we go 30s. Let’s see what you’ve got to offer.

As of late I find myself thinking about two things. My personal life and my professional life.

Growing up I always was of the mind set that I would figure out me before I tried to figure out anyone else. I would live my life and go places and do things that are harder to do once you’re married with children. And I have. I’ve been to amazing places and seen things I would never have imagined. People have come and gone and I’ve tried my best to learn lessons from each of them. I moved to New York City and happened to fall on a career I would have never thought was possible. I have made choices and decisions for my professional life. But what about my personal life?

Sure I’ve been open to meeting people and dating men but obviously no one that I could settle down with came along. And while I’ve been in New York, I haven’t really dated anyone at all, which has been neither here nor there honestly. My life in New York has never and will never be defined by a relationship, or lack thereof. But lately I find myself thinking about things in my personal life. Why haven’t I met someone to be a little more serious with? Maybe I’ve been expecting them to waltz into my life with no effort on my part. Maybe I thought it would be someone I already knew who would reveal themselves in a new light. Maybe I was too busy making choices that furthered my professional life instead.

So when do the scales tip? I can’t help but feel that, just like I made choices to help me professionally, I will start to have to make choices to help myself personally now. And that’s a little scary. Is there a balance that can be found between the two? Can I feel fulfilled professionally and personally? I want to think I can. But making professional choices took a great deal of effort and I know that the personal ones will do the same. If looking to start the phase of my life that involves a husband and children is something I want to do, it’s going to take mindful effort and decision making. Big decision making. This isn’t something I can leave to chance.

That all being said, I’m not entirely sure what those choices even look like! Is there a bat signal I put out for these things? Do I start taking guys seriously who I haven’t been taking seriously? Can I set up an interview process with a panel of judges for the talent portion? (and there would be a talent portion) Or, on a much heavier note, do I look at figuring my life out somewhere else? I don’t know.

Is this what people mean when they refer to being an “adult”??? Lord help me.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Why you would start your marriage by ending a friendship. How it was so easy to throw away something we had built for 10 years. That you chose an email to kill our past.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to grasp the fact that you’re choosing to spend your life with someone who would make you cut a person out of your life. A person who has nothing but love and support for you. A person who has seen you grow and prepare for this very moment. A person who wants to celebrate this day and send you off into this new chapter of your life.

We’ve been to hell and back and we’ve done it together. Through break-ups and make-ups. Watching each others families grow and supporting each other when one a member passed. We grew into adults together. We did the hardest thing in the world by staying great friends after college. In your own words “We’ve been through too much to ever get rid of each other”. I felt so confident in that.

I never saw a day where your marriage would only be possible if I wasn’t in your life. In my mind she and I would have become great friends too. And someday my husband would join the party and the four of us would be complete. We would visit each other and make great memories and be “aunts and uncles” to each others children. Our spouses would get along famously because those were the type of people we are so how could we not marry those type of people too? It was the prettiest picture and it meant the world to me.

To say that I am hurt is an understatement. You have blindsided me in a way that makes it hard to breathe at times. I find myself questioning the last 10 years of our lives and wondering if all this time it wasn’t what I thought it was. Maybe I was always more invested in our friendship than you were. Maybe being a part of each others families wasn’t as important to you as it was to me. Your cold email doesn’t make me think anything to the contrary. You couldn’t give our friendship the decency of a phone call.

I’ll never understand how getting rid of me was the solution to her problem.

Or in this case, a blog lift! If I had a bottle of champagne, this is where I would break it on the corner of my laptop. But I don’t have said bottle and that would make a mess. Anyway. So I decided it was time to freshen things up around here and a move to wordpress seemed like the way to go! I’m hoping this will inspire me to spend more time here, sharing with you all. Bare with me as I’m settling in, rearranging the furniture and such. If you want to stay updated on things going on, follow the blog!  And I love to hear from you all so let me know what you think! Unless your highly offended or truly hate it. Then maybe keep that to yourself. K Thanks.

Cheers to my new home! Enjoy!

image via

Lately it seems that if a stranger were to ask me
                     so Sarah, what is that you do with your free time?
I would have to honestly respond with
                     netflix and knit
And that’s all I would be able to say! Now, while this isn’t the worst thing I could be occupying my time with, I can’t help but feel awfully boring because of it. Of course knitting is something I absolutely love doing and it’s a huge part of my life, but it’s definitely not the only thing! Or at least I’ve become more aware of my not wanting it to be the only thing.
A couple weekends ago on my day off I was, you guessed it, watching netflix and knitting, when I chose a new documentary that seemed interesting called Cooked.

If you’ve heard of it you’ll understand when I tell you that I was hooked. The things Pollan says about food and the way society has changed it’s views on cooking over the last couple decades really struck a chord with me. I am definitely one of those people who has come to rely on quick fixes in the kitchen, mostly out of a sense of intimidation and impatience.      
         What if what I make doesn’t come out well? 
          I’m too tired and would rather eat quick and relax.
          I don’t want to spend all that time and money if I ruin it! 
          Cooking for 1 is too hard.
Hogwash, I know. So after finishing this series (which is only 4 episodes, so easy) I was inspired. Inspired to get into the kitchen and make the time to cook and use ingredients that were simple and not processed to the nth degree. But what to make?
Last year my mother gave me a binder of recipes that she had typed up from her family cookbook. I pulled it out and immediately knew which recipe I was going to conquer. Spaghetti Sauce.
Growing up I always had fond memories of my mom making this sauce. She would spend an entire day over a huge pot on the stove, the counter covered with ingredients, the entire house smelling like tomatoes. It was a recipe that her mother made and her mother’s mother before that. Each family member adding their own personal touches to the sauce. I knew that if my mom was making the sauce there was something special going on. It was always an exciting time.
I turned to the recipe in my binder and skimmed the page. Paragraphs. No list of ingredients. No Measurements. No step-by-step procedure. This was a short story that I had to dissect for clues. I read, making a list of ingredients as I went and trying to imagine how much I would need of certain things. I wasn’t in need of 10lbs of sauce so I tried to cut things in half. I’m only 1 gal after all! I went to the store and prepared for my Everest.
To get in the mood I required 3 crucial elements

My kitchen confidence grew 3 sizes that day. And now after a week of eating spaghetti I think my waist has also, but oh well! I climbed this culinary Everest and feel like I can now take on the world! Ok, so maybe souffles aren’t in my near future and that’s fine by me…those things are tough!
I’m so glad I chased my inspiration and tried something new and challenging. I’m determined to start spending more time in my kitchen. There will always be knitting but it’s time to start making the effort to do other things with my time too. I can’t become a hermit at 29!
           Can’t I though???
           NO!