Oh hello childhood! There you are!! I've missed you so!

Gosh I just love Pumpkin things! Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm!!
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would anyone like to pay off my school loans?? I would really like to live my life to the fullest. But instead I’m being held back by a mountain of loans that I probably won’t see the end of until I’m 50. Yes, 50. Depressing isn’t it? And somehow working 2 jobs barely covers it. How is that even possible?
So maybe when I’m 50 I’ll be able to get out there and use my degree again or maybe even move out of my parents house.

A girl can dream.

ok…vent over. thank you much.

Pumpkin Spice Frappacinno. My life is currently complete and I can die happy.

Heaven!
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It’s that time of life. I look around and it seems as though every one of my friends is engaged and getting married. It’s a pretty crazy time and I couldn’t be happier for them. Especially my friends/room mates from college. They are some of the sweetest gals I know and it was so nice to see their relationships start and then flourish into marriages.
That being said, I can’t help but feel a sadness when my only window into their special day is through facebook. In their pictures I see all of our friends, having laughs again, enjoying just being together.  It’s like our time in college all over again. Only this time I got left out. I’ve met the guys, swooned over the rings, talked wedding details, and still I’m left out.
I don’t mean to sound like a selfish whiner and I’m not looking for any sort of apology. I would be more than understanding of their reasoning behind it. I guess most of my feeling this way has more to do with the fact that I clearly thought we were closer than we really are. It’s not a happy feeling regardless. It kinda makes me wonder how many other friends of mine I’m not as close to.

I think I just needed to get that off my chest.

A weight has been lifted off my chest. Today, after a whole summers worth of working and effort, I finally paid off my credit card! It was my goal for the summer and it feels absolutely amazing to reach it. I feel free. Like this huge rock has been on top of me, holding me down, and now it’s finally off. I can stand taller.
And what’s even better is that I’m still working my third job so all the moneys I can there can now go into my savings account. More money in the savings account means more money to eventually move away and DO something with my degree and my life. And that’s the real payoff; seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Feeling like all the work hasn’t been for nothing.
It feels great. Simply wonderful.

It’s my norm. With male relationships anyway. And yes, it has everything to do with the relationship I had/have with my father. I guess to keep it short and sweet we’ll just say that my dad was a good father, but he wasn’t ever a great father. And it wasn’t really a choice he made. He just didn’t really know how. This caused for a great deal of bitterness on my part growing up. There was always something missing in our relationship, it never really clicked. Over the years it has gotten better, on both of our ends. I had to come to terms with the fact that I would probably never have my ideal father-daughter relationship, and to be ok with the relationship I did have.
Somewhere along the road though, I became comfortable in the dysfunction. It was what I was used to. With men anyway. And of course it started to play itself out in the guys I chose to date. Obviously at the time I had no idea it was happening, but I managed to get myself into “relationships” (I use the word loosely since not many of them can actually be called one) with guys who were either emotionally unavailable, not interested in the same kind of relationship as I was, or were great guys that had awful timing. Looking back now it’s easy to see the red flags and road blocks in all of them. That’s not to say that I’ve dated a string of bad guys. There have actually been some really great guys in the mix that I still consider wonderful friends, but at the time the situation just wasn’t right for us. And it’s not a matter of a lack of good guys being interested either. There have been close to perfect guys that for some reason, reasons I can’t explain, I just haven’t been interested in. It’s frustrating. Sometimes I wish I could will myself to be into them, but I know that wouldn’t be entirely fair to them. And the idea of pretending to like a guys just seems cruel to me.
So, now that I’m aware of the fact that I get myself in these impossible relationships, the big question is, How do I stop? How do I keep myself from being interested in the guys that aren’t right for me or aren’t interested in the same thing that I am? How do I avoid the guys that I know are covered in dysfunction.
I have no idea. Not a damn clue. I keep hoping that one of these days I will wake up and just have the answer, right there in front of me, ready to put to good use. So far that hasn’t happened. And within the past year I do feel like I’ve gotten a little better and avoiding really bad fellows. But still.
I’m ready for someone great. And I don’t want to miss out on that someone because I’m too busy trying to make things work with the wrong potential someone.

What a pickle. A big, dysfunctional pickle. Whatever that looks like…

As the vma’s were wrapping up (holy pregnant Beyonce! no wonder she was wearing pants), and I was getting ready to doze off, I couldn’t help but feel this overwhelming sense of change. Like something was all of a sudden different. I have NO idea what it is. The hotel I work at is open seasonally so yesterday we switched it over from open season to post-season. I really won’t be working a lot less in post-season so I don’t think that could have been the source of my feelings. Beyond that not much else is actually changing in my life, other than the weather. The last couple days it’s been very fall-like here. My sweatshirts have been slowly cycling themselves through my wardrobe again. (yay)
The best part about this strange changey feeling? It wasn’t anxiety ridden. No, instead it was almost calming. Like no matter what it turns out to be, I’m ready for it.
So come on change! Show me what you’ve got!

I’m ready and I’m waiting.

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