Being a person with a roommate who works on a cruise ship makes for a decent amount of alone time. Being a person who is constantly thinking and thinking with a roommate who works on a cruise ship makes for an obscene amount of thinking time. And all that thinking time can really take over a persons mental and emotional being.

With all that in mind, it would only make sense when I tell you that something’s been bugging me. A few somethings that equal one larger something, I’ve come to realize.

I have trouble moving on. 

A couple weeks ago I spent some time trashing the slew of old emails that was plaguing my inbox. They were out of control. As I got to the oldest of emails, I saw one from 2011 that quickly put a knot in my stomach. I knew exactly what is was, without opening it, and was immediately taken to the actions that led to that email.

In high school, there was this guy {please hold all eye rolls}. We’ll call him G. I met G when I joined a local track team and was just coming out of a relationship. G happened to be friends with my ex, who was also involved with this team, but that didn’t stop us from becoming friends. Needless to say, things progressed. G was a catch. He was an amazing athlete (obviously there were multi-points involved there), he made me laugh,he was a gentleman, and to top it all off, he was probably one of the sweetest guys I’d ever met. He was the type of guy who had the whole package but didn’t know it. We liked each other a lot, but life is no fairy tale. He lived about 45-50 minutes away from me, a drive that parents aren’t too thrilled about their teenagers making at night, and I wasn’t exactly in a place to jump right into another relationship. It was my senior year and I was going to Florida for college. Bad timing. But that didn’t stop us from hanging out when we could and using good ol’ AIM to talk. We stayed in touch for a couple years in college and his parents even made a point to stop and visit when they were vacationing in Florida,  but as it usually goes, we grew apart.

Fast forward to 2011. I was living at home and somehow found out that so was G. Things picked up right where they had left off. We went on a real date, started talking regularly, and it seemed like things could actually go somewhere this time. I was hopeful but wanted to take things slowly. I had made some decisions about my approach to dating and was very honest with G about them. He was his sweet, respectful self and I was very appreciative of that. After all, I had known this guy for years. There was a history and trust there. If there was any guy I didn’t have to be cautious of, it was G. Until it wasn’t. Without going into detail, while hanging out one day, G crossed a line. I left and didn’t look back. I couldn’t believe it. I was hurt. I was confused. I couldn’t comprehend what had happened and the fact that it was G. Looking back I still don’t know if maybe I was partly to blame or not. Maybe I didn’t make the line as clear as I thought I had? I don’t know. Later that day I received the email. It was a deep, heartfelt apology. He said all the right things and none of it seemed fake or disingenuous. He was truly regretful and asked for my forgiveness in time.

I never responded.

I knew he was sorry. I knew he meant every word. He wasn’t a monster. He was a guy who made a mistake, a really big mistake, that I didn’t know how to deal with. I didn’t know what to do so I did nothing.

That was the last time I heard from G, yet I haven’t gotten rid of his email. I don’t know why. At times I see it and think, maybe I need to send a response, even if it’s been almost 4 years. Other times I think I made the right choice by cutting ties and walking away. So why do I still have the email?  I honestly have no idea. What is it that I’m holding on to by keeping it in my inbox?

Maybe I need to feel the pain of the situation from time to time (as messed up as that sounds)

Maybe I like to be reminded that someone felt s0mething for me…even if it was years ago

Maybe a part of me isn’t willing to truly close that door

It could be all of those things at once. I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s time to start figuring these things out. I find myself dwelling on the past more than I’d like to admit. Even if it’s not in an angry or vengeful way, I think about people who have hurt me, loved me, and everything in between. The past is the past and I need to learn to move on. I need to let it go and look forward. It’s hard to admit and even harder to execute. I don’t know where to begin.

In the case of G….do I let sleeping dogs lay or do I reach out for some sense of closure? {Is closure even real??? Or did some clingy lady make it up to make herself feel better about needing “just 1 more talk” about an ended relationship?} Sometimes I really do feel like I’ve forgiven him so maybe I need to tell him that or it doesn’t count.

How do I move on?

That’s my number. The number that my scale tells me and makes me think “uh oh”. Now I know the lady-like thing is not to tell the world what your weight is…but  I never claimed to be lady-like…so there. A couple weeks ago I stepped onto the pesky scale and the number it told me was not 150. It was 153. This called for a bigger mental “uh oh”. I knew this wasn’t a ‘more muscular’ 153 either. This was an ‘I love to eat and can’t motivate myself to work out’ 153.

My first reaction of course was
“Well, now I really need to get down to business”
“Only vegetables and cardboard for me”
“A new iPod playlist will help”
“Sure I could get myself to look like (    fill in the actress’ name   )“
“This tbt photo of me from college will motivate me”

And that lasted for about a week.

Then some other thoughts came to mind
“Hey, this isn’t high school and you’re not an athlete anymore”
“Maybe this is my 27 year old body”
“My clothes still fit”

These were thoughts that had never really occurred to me before and how silly that they hadn’t. Where is it written that I still need to have my “track body”?? I haven’t run track in years!  But on the other side of that coin what exactly does a “knitting body” look like? It doesn’t sound great haha.

So I’m coming to terms with something in the middle. I don’t like eating well but it’s something that must be done, so while I’m not dieting, I will be more conscious of what I eat. I’ve also begun to go for small jogs in the morning. There’s something about seeing the sun come up over the East River that’s really pleasant.

I’m getting older and my body is changing and that’s life. And while it’s safe to say that I will not be pursuing a modelling career any time ever, I think it’s important to feel good in this body I’ve got and treat it right. So I will jog for as long or little as I feel like; I will make sure that I’m not eating noodles for every meal of my day, much to my shagrin; and most importantly I will be realistic in my expectations of what my body should look like.