Recently a good friend of mine expressed that his girlfriend was not comfortable with our close friendship. We work together and have known each other for over a year now. In his words, “we have to be strictly business” from now on, no meaningful conversations or long talks anymore.

I’m devastated. Not only for the fact that I now have to act like I don’t know this person, but because this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Several other male friends in my life have been given the ultimatum of “her or us” and obviously they always choose the “us”. And it hurts. Every time. It makes me feel expendable as a person. Like the time we’ve spent getting to know each other and being there for one another means absolutely nothing in the long run. My time and emotions wasted.

Since this isn’t the first time I’ve been in this position I find myself thinking the same thing as well. What should I do? Do I ignore the request of my friend because he doesn’t even agree with it? Do I pretend we’ve never met? Should the anger inside me turn into it’s usual sarcastic comments that fall out of my mouth like carbon dioxide? I don’t know. I’m hurting. I’m mad. I’m confused as to why this person was introduced to my life only to be taken away. I do know that I’m not a fan of the pit in my stomach that occurs when we’re at work together. That it hurts my heart when I have to ask him a question that only he can answer and I can’t make eye contact with him. That I dread going to work in general because of the constant reminder that we are now acquaintances.

How are people supposed to go backwards in any relationship? Is it possible to pretend that we didn’t share our deepest thoughts with each other? That we don’t know each other as well as we do? That we feel important to each other?

I don’t know the answer. I feel such a great sense of loss. As if there’s been a death. And I guess there has been.

I had the pleasure of going out to lunch today with my ex, from high school. We broke up before going to college but have remained friends and try to get together at least once when we’re in the same place. It’s always nice to be able to catch up with each other.

He picked me up from work and as we were driving to the restaurant I couldn’t help but have a thought. We were together for almost 2 years. We had been in this very position so many times. He in the driver seat; me in the passenger. It was familiar still, after all these years. But when I looked at him, really looked at him, I couldn’t remember how it used to feel to be with him. I used to love this person for years of my life and now I have no idea what that felt like. He was my last love.
 
When I was young, and in love, I thought I would remember it forever. Every moment, every emotion, every detail. I was wrong. I thought there would definitely be some feelings of remembering, if I really thought about it. But there weren’t.

I’m not sad or upset by this. I guess I’m just surprised. It was an unexpected absence. I don’t remember what it’s like to be in love with someone. And maybe that’s okay. I can’t help but feel like being in love in high school is worlds different from an adult love. But at the end of the day, it’s still love. An adoration for someone. An intimacy.

And I can’t help but wonder if I’ll know it the next time it does come around. Will I recognize the feeling? If I don’t will I miss it altogether? I hope not. Because I think that’s something I want to have in the near future. Even if it hurts or doesn’t work out in the end.

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

I can’t believe we’re almost through July. Where on earth did it go?? Going into this summer I thought for sure that I’d have some extra time on my hands to relax and sew and relax. So far that hasn’t been the case. The hotel alone consumes even my days off. I’ve done a few projects that I’ll hopefully be able to put up here soon but not nearly as many as I wanted to do. It makes me sad!! On the other hand there’s definitely no time for boredom. So I guess it’s not all bad.

Also on a positive note, I’ll be joining my family on a trip to Arlington VA this weekend. A few months ago my great uncle passed away and had chosen to be buried in the National Cemetery. So this weekend we’re going down for that. The D.C. area is one of my favorite places ever so I’m pretty excited not only to have some time off but to be in my favorite place with some of my favorite people. If we’re really lucky maybe I’ll have time to post pictures of the trip too!! A girl can dream.

I made one!

I decided that instead of moving away (location still TBD) right away in the fall, that I’m going to stay in town long enough to work at JCC again. They are doing Legally Blonde which for those of you that don’t know, is a super huge Broadway show. I mean, it’s B-I-G. Big sets, big costumes, big songs, and big dance numbers. Did I mention that it was big?? Oh and everything is PINK! So, so pink. It’s gonna be rough but I’m really looking forward to the challenge.

I had been contemplating this decision for a while. The show runs into the second week of November, right before the holidays. The idea of staying here that long and having the holidays around the corner made me a little convinced that when the time came I would postpone my moving again. Which is not something I want. So a couple weeks ago my moms best friend was visiting and I explained my predicament to her. She looked at me and said “I don’t think so”. Just like that. She went on to say that knowing how I am and how determined I am to make this happen she doesn’t believe that I will allow myself to get stuck and not make the move. She was the first person to say that to me. It was exactly what I needed. Just hearing her say that put my mind at ease and I knew she was right. I am extremely determined to take this big step so I have to believe that I won’t let the pending holidays keep me from going through with it.

So the decision was made to stay for Legally Blonde. And if you see me wearing this shirt on a weekly basis, now you know why!

And if you’re in town and want to get involved in some capacity, let me know! Any and all actors, helpers, etc are welcome!

oooooo-weeeeeeee

I did it. I made the leap and combined my 2 blogs. {cheers!}

It took a good deal of figuring and copy and pasting and changing around but I think I like what I’ve come up with. It’s much more me. And now my craft blog won’t be so left out of the loop, thank goodness.

Some things may still change in the next week or so but for the most part this blog will be about my life(still), which includes being a crafter! Why I every tried to separate the two, I will never know.

So yeah, join me on this new little adventure of mine. It should be a good one.

I find myself having a serious case of blog envy lately. As I scroll through the blogs I follow on bloglovin‘ I read new posts and catch up on what’s going on in their lives, the usual, but lately I’ve also been exploring their blogs too. But my exploring comes with a feeling of longing. I love the way those blogs look and more importantly, feel. They are simple and personal and unique to that person.
Then I look at my own blog. And while I like the way mine looks, I don’t like it nearly as much. It doesn’t feel like me. Parts of it do but it doesn’t feel like a very strong identity. And I don’t know how to fix that. The last thing I want to do is steal someone elses look or ideas. I want it to be my own. I want it to feel like me.
So I guess I’m trying to say that things may be changing around here. And not just the look of things. I think the direction of this blog needs to become clearer. So far it’s been a lot about my opinions and thoughts. Who cares? Should I care if anyone cares? I don’t know. I have another blog as well that I’ve been neglecting lately (mostly because I haven’t had a lot of time to craft therefore nothing much to write about). Should I combine the two? Having them separate allows me to express two sides of myself separately as well so maybe it would be more difficult to combine them. I guess I’ve got to figure it out.
And to my fellow bloggers and non-bloggers even, if you have any suggestions or advice I’d really appreciate it. What are your tricks and tips? What editing programs/sites do you like to use? I’m not the most technological so all help is welcome!

Thanks friends

It seems like over the last couple months I have been the biggest crier I know!! It’s so strange! Sure I cry now and then, usually in a private place. Like a downpour almost. I’d have one big super cry and then be fine for months. No big deal. But like I said, over the last couple months I find myself getting teary over all sorts of things! Last weeks episode of Glee have me sniffling away. Last night I watched the move “Imagine”, which is a documentary about John Lennon for those of you who don’t know (great movie), and was a teary fool. Last weekend a chef friend of my told me that he’s been invited to serve a dinner at the James Beard house…huge tears rolled down my cheeks…of joy of course. I don’t know what’s come over me.

It all seems to have started after a saddening situation happened. I cried for a few days. Not minutes, days. It was odd. Now ever since then I find myself getting jerked up a few times a week. When I told me sister about it she said “well you’re growing up and changing”. Is this really what happens?? You turn 25 and the faucet gets turned on? I don’t remember signing up for that.

Another part of me can’t help but feel that instead of it being a “grown up” thing, maybe it’s more of a “opening up” thing. Maybe I’ve come to a place in my life where I’m allowing myself to feel more emotions and react more openly to things, whether they’re good or bad. And I think that’s an okay thing. Maybe I’ve been more emotionless than I knew all these years. Who knows.

I made the decision a few months ago that I will be moving away in the fall sometime. I’ve been living at home for 2 years now and I can’t help but feel like it’s time to move on and get to doing something with my degree again and this area just isn’t the place to do that. While there are some theatre opportunities here there isn’t anything that could be full time or enough to really sustain me. It was a tough decision but I think it will be for the best.

So, for the past couple months I’ve also been applying at theatres all over the country.  At this stage in the game I don’t really have anything tying to down to one certain place so I’m ready to go anywhere. Needless to say I was very excited about receiving an email to set up a phone interview with a theatre in Washington DC a couple weeks ago. The interview came and went and as far as I could tell it went well. Apparently it didn’t matter either way though because I never heard back from them and it’s been 2 weeks now.

I was so excited to even have a theatre be interested and I couldn’t help but feel like it was a sign that I was doing the right thing. Now that I’ve been ignored all together I can only think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe this decision isn’t the right one. Maybe I’m supposed to stay here. But that idea really does sadden me. Not because I really hate living here, more because I have this underlying feeling that there are many other places for me to be before I settle down here, if I ever do. I’m 25. I’m not married. I don’t have children. Why shouldn’t I get up and go, see new things, meet new people?

So now I’m always contemplating. Was this the right choice? If I go through with it will I fall flat on my ass and have to move back again? Is this place supposed to be my home for the rest of my life? If it is, what the heck am I supposed to do with myself?? I chose to get a degree in something I love and want to do as a career…was that a mistake?

I’m ready for a big change, but is that what life wants for me too?

Last night I went to a viewing for a woman who I had worked with at my summer job for 3 years, Mickey. It wasn’t until my second summer that I really got onto her radar and unfortunately it wasn’t in a good way. I wasn’t the best employee, I’ll admit it, and I gave her reason enough to get on my back more than once. Last year I was given the chance to make up for it and by the end of the summer Mickey and I were actually quite friendly and worked really well together. I proved to her that I wasn’t a total waste of time and she trusted me with some pretty important events. We had come to a really great place. 

You can imagine my surprise and sadness when I found out that she had passed and last night was not an easy thing to go through. It was hard to realize that she wouldn’t be around anymore and as I stood with my other co-workers we shared stories from our time with her and gave plenty of hugs.

This morning when I woke up it took a couple minutes but all of a sudden I remembered a dream I had last night, a very rare occurrence for me. I was at some kind of gathering and Mickey was there too. At one point we had moment to ourselves and we shared a very warm hug. She went on to tell me about how happy she had become over the last year or so and we walked back towards the gathering with an arm around each other. And that’s all. It gave me such a feeling of comfort and relief.

Thinking back this isn’t the first dream I’ve had like this. About 4 years ago I lost a dear friend in a car accident. It brings me to tears to this day. About a year ago I had a dream one night that we were together and shared a hug that felt so real and warm that I woke up thinking it had really happened. But instead of making me feel sad it gave me such joy to have that feeling again. I’ve missed being able to hug him so having the vivid of a dream about it was so wonderful.

I don’t think these dreams make me some kind of medium or anything. I will say though that they happen to come along just at the right time and I can’t help but feel like they are my chance to say goodbye to someone who I didn’t get to in person. And that’s pretty priceless.