So I have a confession to make…..I LOVE Jack White’s music. Yup, I said it. There something so dark and raw about his music that really captivates me. His first single from his new album Blunderbuss is one such a song so I thought I’d share my love for it with all y’all.
What makes this song even better is that the female vocalist is Ruby Amanfu, who was a contestant on The Sing Off….one of my fave fall shows last year. Her voice is so haunting and soulful so I’m glad to see her again.
You meet a guy. You start hanging out. You text all day long. You spend a good amount of time together. You tell him you’re moving away in the fall. He sticks around. He says sweet things. You start to get comfortable.
Then…at the bat of an eyelash he decides you should just be friends. That it would be better for both of you in the long run since your leaving. And the worst part is, that you can’t help but agree with him. You know damn well that even if you’re not “dating”, even being friends, will make it more difficult come November. You can’t be mad at him. It’s only been a month. He’s being logical and making the decision that you can’t make yourself….or go through with for that matter. He’s actually doing you a favor. You should be thanking him!
You know that you’re perfectly capable of being friends. Why wouldn’t you?? There aren’t any hurt feelings or ill-will. Yet there always seems to be that little bit of sadness at the loss. And you know that at first it will be hard to go backwards to just friends. There’s that backwards thing again. How do guys manage to do that so easily? I envy them. I’ve been here before and this time is by far the easiest no doubt. But as usual my brain can not be shut off or slowed down. I catch myself thinking back at all the little things that were said. Small comments or jokes. I wonder again what the purpose for this person entering my life is. Does he need to serve a purpose? I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason….so I can’t help but wonder. I’m sure I’m over-thinking.
So at the end of the day, I guess I’m just a little sad. But I do know that it’s for the best. Timing is everything right? It just so happens that my timing is always impeccably off. I can only hope that that won’t be the case someday.
Recently a good friend of mine expressed that his girlfriend was not comfortable with our close friendship. We work together and have known each other for over a year now. In his words, “we have to be strictly business” from now on, no meaningful conversations or long talks anymore.
I’m devastated. Not only for the fact that I now have to act like I don’t know this person, but because this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Several other male friends in my life have been given the ultimatum of “her or us” and obviously they always choose the “us”. And it hurts. Every time. It makes me feel expendable as a person. Like the time we’ve spent getting to know each other and being there for one another means absolutely nothing in the long run. My time and emotions wasted.
Since this isn’t the first time I’ve been in this position I find myself thinking the same thing as well. What should I do? Do I ignore the request of my friend because he doesn’t even agree with it? Do I pretend we’ve never met? Should the anger inside me turn into it’s usual sarcastic comments that fall out of my mouth like carbon dioxide? I don’t know. I’m hurting. I’m mad. I’m confused as to why this person was introduced to my life only to be taken away. I do know that I’m not a fan of the pit in my stomach that occurs when we’re at work together. That it hurts my heart when I have to ask him a question that only he can answer and I can’t make eye contact with him. That I dread going to work in general because of the constant reminder that we are now acquaintances.
How are people supposed to go backwards in any relationship? Is it possible to pretend that we didn’t share our deepest thoughts with each other? That we don’t know each other as well as we do? That we feel important to each other?
I don’t know the answer. I feel such a great sense of loss. As if there’s been a death. And I guess there has been.
I’m busy still, but not nearly as busy as I was earlier this summer. The hotel is winding down, the show is into rehearsals and November(moving month) is getting closer and closer. I find myself spending more time at home, seeing my family a little more often, having moments of fun with my friends, new and old. My pace isn’t nearly as fast and I’m feeling so much more at ease about everything. I can breath again.
Fall is finally here. Pumpkin things are popping up everywhere and we know how happy that makes me! I’m wearing my comfy clogs and drinking pumpkin spiced lattes often. I feel like my most self….if that makes sense. And being in the theatre contributes to that immensely. It’s amazing the difference in my attitude about work when I’m doing the work that I love. It’s not work at all. It’s where I’m supposed to be. It’s home. I love it.
I have time to knit again! I’ve missed it so much this summer. For some reason I had it in my head that I would have a lot of time to do my craftings while I was working 3 jobs. Wrong. So now that I actually have downtime again it’s been so nice to get into it little by little. And boy do I have a lot of projects to start AND finish. The list goes on but I think I’ll be able to get them done. Hopefully I’ll have some to blog about soon too!
So that’s what my life’s about lately. I’m sure there will be much more going on here as the days go on.
The decision has been made. Come mid-November I will be making the move to the mecca of theatre, New York City!! It just feels right at this point in my life. I’m only 25, not married, and willing to work my ass off and live on ramen noodles. What more of a sign does a gal need?! While I had been leaning towards this decision for a while it wasn’t a definite thing until my best friend said she was coming along too. Even though I have a ton of friends there at the moment it just feels better knowing that I’m not going alone. 
Is it still a little scary? Oh heck yes. But I’m really excited for the challenge. I’ve never even visited there so I don’t have a clue if I’m even going to like it or not, though everyone tells me I will. My mom is slowly coming to terms with the idea but I think she acts more okay than she really is to show her support. The rest of my family is doing the same. I think they’ve come to realize that I’m going to do what I have to do regardless, and this is something that I really feel that I need to do.
I don’t want to wake up one morning, be 45, and realize that I never even gave it a shot. The way I see it, even if I’m over the whole thing in a week, I can at least say that I tried. I took the leap. And what a leap it will be.
The idea of the high rent and general cost of living on top of my school loans is the thing that gives me the most anxiety. I’m so nervous that I’ll get there and even 2 jobs won’t be enough to keep my afloat. The last thing I want to do is fall back into debt and have to move back home to dig myself out. It was humiliating and disappointing enough 2 years ago.
So that’s that! It’s official! And I couldn’t be more thrilled. The closer I get to November and the more I say it out loud the more tangible it seems. I’m really doing this. Come hell or high water (NOT an Isaac reference) and I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.
I had the pleasure of going out to lunch today with my ex, from high school. We broke up before going to college but have remained friends and try to get together at least once when we’re in the same place. It’s always nice to be able to catch up with each other.
He picked me up from work and as we were driving to the restaurant I couldn’t help but have a thought. We were together for almost 2 years. We had been in this very position so many times. He in the driver seat; me in the passenger. It was familiar still, after all these years. But when I looked at him, really looked at him, I couldn’t remember how it used to feel to be with him. I used to love this person for years of my life and now I have no idea what that felt like. He was my last love.
When I was young, and in love, I thought I would remember it forever. Every moment, every emotion, every detail. I was wrong. I thought there would definitely be some feelings of remembering, if I really thought about it. But there weren’t.
I’m not sad or upset by this. I guess I’m just surprised. It was an unexpected absence. I don’t remember what it’s like to be in love with someone. And maybe that’s okay. I can’t help but feel like being in love in high school is worlds different from an adult love. But at the end of the day, it’s still love. An adoration for someone. An intimacy.
And I can’t help but wonder if I’ll know it the next time it does come around. Will I recognize the feeling? If I don’t will I miss it altogether? I hope not. Because I think that’s something I want to have in the near future. Even if it hurts or doesn’t work out in the end.
“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”
Here’s a sneak peak of my family trip to Washington DC:
The Lincoln Memorial
The Hope Diamond
African Bush elephant in the rotunda of the Museum of Natural Science
An etching of words Lincoln spoke
The Washington Monument
