I’m realizing these last couple months that I’ve become an in-betweener for guys. They send me naughty little texts when they are on their 500th “break” with their girlfriend. They flirt it up and make it seem like they’re interested while they still aren’t sure about another girl that they’ve started seeing. After they get out of a relationship they want to hang out before they move on to their next legit relationship. Almost every guy I’ve dated has either broken up with me for someone else or after we’ve broken up has a much more substantial relationship with their next girlfriend.

wtf?

Don’t get me wrong, I know that half of it is my own fault, but more often than not I never see it coming. It’s as if my standards are just low enough to let these guys in under the radar and then I’m totally stunned when it happens…again.

I’m sick of it. I want to be the first draft pick. I want to be chosen by choice, not default or convenience. Not someones fallback when they’re bored or hot and bothered. It’s not fair to myself.

In high school and for the first part of college my standards were pretty high and most everyone that knew me, knew that about me. Looking back now I’m not exactly sure when they started sinking. It looks like an avalanche though. One loud noise and down they tumbled.  It wasn’t until last year that I started to really feel/see the consequences of it too. Since then I’ve made some changes in how I go about men and I’m starting to see the standard bar raise little by little. But like anything, it takes work. It’s so much easier for the wall to fall than it is to build it.

No more in-betweening for me. I’m over it.

…is a real bitch.

You meet(or re-meet) someone. They are just what you’re looking for. Things are going in a great direction. Then the elephant in the room reveals itself. Timing. All the other elements work together so well, but the timing isn’t right. You try to ignore it for as long as you can, but it’s always there…staring at you…reminding you of how important it is. Until you can’t ignore it anymore. You have to face it, acknowledge it, and…and what? What then? Do you turn around and walk away, give up on the idea all together? Keep trying to ignore it? I don’t know. I do know that it’s not a happy position to be in. Not happy at all.

I don’t get sick very often.  A cold twice a year is pretty much it. So when I do come down with something it’s almost as if I forget that I’m sick and that my body needs rest. I try to go about life as usual and by about the third day I’m absolutely exhausted and worn down. And even then I don’t usually take the time to stop and rest. It’s as if there’s a small voice somewhere in my head telling me that if I’m not busy doing something productive then I’m wasting time. That if I stop and take some time to rest, I’m being selfish. Sounds a little silly I know.

So, now that I’m aware of this silly voice, I think It’s time to silence it. My body is fighting a battle right now so it’s ok to feel tired.  It’s ok to rest.

It’s amazing, the things you learn when you’re 25. ha.

I can’t believe it’s already March. It seems like February flew by….even WITH  an extra day!  Did you say Rabbit Rabbit?? Did it work for you, looking back on your month? I hope so. I can honestly say that I think it worked for me! I got hired for a third job as the Stage Manager at the community college in my town, I won a drawing from Pushups with Polish, I spent my Valentine’s Day with my best friends, and I got my tax return. All pluses in my book!

On a different note, I’ve been applying for theatres lately. Theatres away from home. So far it’s been fairly daunting. There isn’t much out there that pays enough for me to make most of a living on, which is somewhat frustrating. I’m pretty determined though. In May it will be 2 years since I moved home and by the time i hopefully move in the Fall I feel like that will have been more than enough time for me. Of course it’s been wonderful living rent free and being able to live near my family, and who knows, maybe someday I’ll decide that this is where I want to settle down and raise childrens, but right now, at this moment in my life, I can’t help but feel like there is so much out in the world that I need to see and experience. I’ve got no strings, no weights to hold me here. So fly I must. Maybe to NYC, maybe to the West, who knows. I just know that I don’t want to look back at my twenties and feel like I could have done so much more with them. So I search. and search. and search some more. Looking through theatre’s websites, trying to find any indication that they might need me. Emailing production staff and managers, selling myself to them in the nicest way possible. Hoping they’ll like what they read and offer me a decent amount of money. I mean, as much as I’d love to volunteer for theatres, I gots bills to pay! I don’t know anyone who can live in $75 a week! sheesh. So, if you wouldn’t mind sending some good theatre vibes my way, I’d really appreciate it. Or if you happen to know a sugar daddy that could work too!

Another thing rolling around in my head lately is thinking about where I was in my life a year ago. There was someone. Someone who, I thought, had the potential to be rather significant to me. It was new and exciting and I couldn’t wait to see where it would go. Obviously now I know where it went. Nowhere. But it changed me. Changed the way I went about things with men in particular. Looking back I’m not bitter about it ending. It’s more significant to me because it was the last time I felt that way. And now it’s been a year. When he and I met, I wanted to be single. I chose that because I wanted it and when he came along I started to change my mind…because of him though, not because of me. Now I feel myself not wanting to be single so much. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have that person to rely on and cherish. Now, am I going out and searching for it in bars and at gyms? No. I don’t have the time for all that. But I think being in that mental place is a step in the right direction. A step I haven’t actually chosen in a very long while. And I’m not gonna lie, it does make me feel a little lonely at times, but that’s what best friends and ice cream is for right?!

So yeah, that’s what’s up.

It occurred to me recently that while many of you readers know me, there may be some of you that don’t. And for those of you who don’t, I hadn’t really given you much to get to know me by, let alone why this blog even exists.

Shame on me.

So i decided to take the time to fix that and make my ‘about’ tab into more of an introduction than a list of posts. I feel like it serves the blog and you readers much better this way.

And of course I went ahead and changed the look of things again.{oopsy} I think I’ll be sticking with this for a while though. I like it much more than the other header.

Onward and Upward!!

You know those days when your eyes feel scratchy when you wake up because you didn’t get enough sleep? When every little thing drives you to insanity? When 9am rolls around and you’re already ready for a nap? Those days when hibernation seems like a great idea and you fully understand why gerbils eat their own young?

YUP….it’s one of those days.

deep breathes…..deeeeeeep breathes…..

Rabbit, Rabbit!

In college, an English professor told me that in order to have a month of good luck you should say ‘Rabbit, Rabbit’ on the first of every month. And if you don’t say it, well lucky for you if you say it backwards on the last day of the month then you’ll still have good luck!

I don’t know that it’s ever really mattered but oh well. Who couldn’t use a little good fortune right??

I’m wearing red lipstick today. Why you ask? Well why not! I’ve never been a red lipstick wearer. I’ve always been a little intimidated of it to be honest. Something told me it wasn’t a look I could pull off. But the other day I said to myself, well why the hell not?? So today, while doing laundry and other things around the house, I’m wearing bright red lipstick!

And you know what, I think I like it.

As you can see I’ve changed some things around here.

I’m not sure if I like it yet….maybe because I’m not used to it, maybe it’s not what I was really going for. I’m not sure.

I’d love your input tho. Lord knows I’m fairly terrible at making decisions most the time.

The past 3 weekends have been some of the best ever! I don’t know how I got so fortunate. Not only did I have some stupendous people to spend this time with but we also shared some really wonderful experiences at the same time. It’s pretty exciting when I’m too busy living life to write about it sometimes! So here they are, my 3 weekends of awesome:

Weekend 1: My guy friends from high school and I are all split down the middle in our love for our football teams. Half of us like the Buffalo Bills (obviously) and the other half of us like the Miami Dolphins (not as obvious). Needless to say it makes from some pretty heated competition and rivalry amongst us. And since the Bills and Dolphins are in the same division they play each other twice a year, once in Miami and once in Buffalo. Last year we all planned on going to the game in Buffalo but it happened to be the season opener so getting tickets just didn’t happen for us. This year we were hell bent on making sure that we went to the game and WE DID! We caravaned up to Buffalo at 7:30 the morning of the game and spent the morning playing corn-hole and picking on Canadians and enjoying some adult beverages. Oh and freezing our asses off! But it was so worth it. And to top it off, the Dolphins won! Most importantly though it felt so great to hang out with my guys again. We don’t all see each other too often what with jobs and girlfriends(theirs not mine lol) and life in general so it makes the times when we can be together that much better.

Weekend 2: Christmas!! Since I already wrote a post on the greatness that was Christmas I won’t repeat it all again. Moral of the story, full of fun and relaxation and perfection. And obviously added to my string of weekends.

Weekend 3: Probably the most fun of all, though that may have something to do with the fact that it was 4 days long…New Years Eve! A couple of months ago my best friend and I were talking with another friend about wanting to visit our friends Tim and Josh in North Carolina. When the conversation turned to what our New Years plans were, my best friend had a light bulb moment-why don’t we all go to NC FOR NYE! It was a perfect plan. We immediately texted our friends to let them know of our plan (they didn’t have much of a choice). Fast forward to the Thursday before the NYE and we were off to the south. The next 4 days were indescribable. We slept all day and stayed up all night. We rode four-wheelers, line danced, cooked out, and wore matching argyle sweaters. There weren’t any schedules or deadlines or alarms (well, except for Tim. workaholic). It was an honest to God vacation and an over-due one at that! I couldn’t have asked for better weather and better people to spend time with! Especially the latter. Those 2 guys are some of my favorites and I don’t get to see them nearly as often as I’d like. I couldn’t have asked for a better weekend.

And now I’m going to bombard you with some great pictures as proof of the awesomeness!!!

the whole gang!

us gals

Dolphin Pride!

WOOOOOO!

Best Friends since 8th Grade!

me and the fellas!

Tim and I!

Family Portrait!

Studs

Josh and Me!