While working at the wine store the other day I was talking with my manager about relationships and people and things. We eventually got onto the subject of what attracts people to each other and he said something that smacked me up a bit. He said “Guys want to be with a needy girl. They don’t want a girl who doesn’t need them. They just like to feel needed”.

HOLD. THE. PHONE.

So you’re saying all these years that I’ve spent becoming an independent, self sufficient, free-thinking gal will only keep men from wanting to be with me? All the things I’ve not said in order to avoid seeming “needy” would have been attractive? I’ve been under the impression that my independence would be something that a guy would love me for; something he admired most about me. Now I’m supposed to figure out a way to become needier? Act like I don’t know how to do things or become a damsel in distress? I always scratched my head when I saw these great guys putting up with girls who could barely tie their own shoes. Maybe there was a method to that madness. They had a boyfriend after all.

Have I been in the dark about this all these years? I don’t want to believe so. Do all guys feel this way or is this a case by case opinion? Maybe the fellas that love an independent woman are fewer and far between. I think I need more opinions. I’m not about to change who I am in order to land a man but maybe my expectations needs to change if this is really how men feel.

Guys, what do you think? Needy or Not? Maybe you can elaborate a little for me. I’m extremely curious to know what you all think about this.

In the early morning hours of my 22nd birthday I had just returned to my dorm from doing I don’t remember what. I wasn’t expecting much from this particular birthday since my only plans were to get in a car in a few hours and take the long drive to Burmingham, Alabama for a theatre conference. The year after your 21st birthday you don’t really expect much in the way of specialness. Or I didn’t anyways.

 As I walked to my room there was a knock at the door. I wasn’t expecting anyone so I was curious about who it could have been at that hour. I opened the door and the next thing I know, I’m being kissed. And not only am I being kissed, I’m being kissed in a way that every girl dreams about. That out of nowhere, takes you by surprise, shock melting into surrender type of kiss. He was nervous at first, his hands shook a little on my face. But the man in him quickly took over and he was in charge. It was a glorious kiss. One for the record books. And as soon as it had started it was over. He said “Happy Birthday Sarah. I’ll see you when you get back” and was gone. Just like that. A hit and run.

While not much came out of that kiss romantically, it’s a wonderful memory I will keep with me forever. That was the Jake I knew. He was fearless in so many ways and always “went into the basement” as we had learned in Improv class. He was one of the funniest people I’ve known and I feel so fortunate to call him a friend. His legacy at Eckerd will long be remembered through his Improv troupe, Another Man’s Trash, his servants heart and his over all amazing-ness as a person.

Jake, my heart is so very heavy over the loss of you. I pray that you have found a peace that passes all understanding. I’ll never forget the times we shared together, the way I never knew how seriously to take you whenever you hit on me, or how you would squish yourself next to me in that red chair during class. I’m still grateful to you for letting me work with AMT as your “stage manager”. It’s something that I keep on my resume to this day. I miss you so very much.

Thank you for the kiss.

I walked out of my apartment this morning with a deadline ahead. I had to go to North, to the bronx then head South to work, dropping off my library book on the way. As I was getting to the subway I realized that I had forgotten to put on makeup this morning. I had gone into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, washed my face and went about getting ready. Not even a layer of mascara (my usual staple) was applied.

At first the usual flood of terror that rushes over a naked faced gal hit me. I thought about the contents of my purse. Was there a bag of makeup-to-go floating around in there? There was not. Did I have time in my deadline to stop at a drug store to purchase some emergency supplies? I wasn’t sure, nor did I want to spend the money to buy things I already had at home (an adult way of thinking??? could be). What would the guys at work think? Would they comment on how I looked different this morning or say that I looked tired? I began to get a tad stressed over the idea.

Then, as quickly as the flood of nervousness had come, it was gone. I didn’t really care to stress about it. In fact, I felt a little sense of relief. My face, the way it naturally looks, was out there in the world, the way it’s meant to be. And if someone was going to say something about it, oh well. There are plenty of other faces out there for them to look at. It was wonderful not worrying about my eye liner running when a rain drop hit my eye. When I had an itch I didn’t see all my eye shadow on the end my finger and I was glad.

Sometimes I forget that I’m not so bad off without makeup. Sure it can help, but it’s ok to not use it too. And I’m sure my skin appreciates the fresh air. It’s funny how in forgetting to put on “my face” this morning, I ended up remembering my face after all.

A month or so ago I went out to lunch with one of the bartenders I work with. Out of many of my other co-workers he and I seem to get along on a deeper level which makes it easy to talk to each other about  a lot of things. At one point we got onto the topic of past relationships and how they can form us into the people we are today. How we learn from out mistakes and take the good bits as reminders for the future. How it makes me a little uncomfortable when a guy buys me a drink, even in the friendliest way. How I tend to take it personally when the fellas at my other job won’t let me carry cases of wine, not because they think I can’t, but because they’re being gentlemen. And then my friend said something that made me feel so exposed…

You don’t know how to be taken care of. 

The words slapped me in the face and before I could give it a second thought I said:

You’re absolutely right.

And he was. Absolutely right.

At the ripe age of 26 I’ve got this whole-taking-care-of-myself pretty down. Sure I’m still learning things as I go along but for the most part I’ve been fairly self sufficient for a while now. I can rig a toilet with the best of them, change a tire like a pro, budget my money to a tee, and I’m even blazing the frontier of cooking, And to be quite honest, it feels amazing. I’ve felt more like my true self lately than I have in a long time.

But maybe, just maybe, I’ve become a little too good at it. I’ve always had this idea of being in a relationship that’s very much like a team. He and I making up for each others short comings, picking each other up when the other is down, taking care of each other. Being single for the last 3 years it seems as though I’ve just filled all those holes in myself. And maybe, just maybe that keeps someone from coming along to do it instead. Maybe part of taking care of myself is letting someone else take care of me sometimes too. Admitting that sometimes I do want/need to be taken care of. That maybe someone else will be better at it in ways than I am.

So I think it’s time that I start to change my way of thinking. I think I need to start stifling that little voice that creeps up in my head that says “don’t let them make you look weak” whenever someone lends a helping hand. Time to realize that there’s a difference between a friendly after work drink and taking hand-outs or being pitied. I have wonderful, quality friends who wouldn’t do such things and I need to recognize that more.

It’s ok to be taken care of sometimes. It’s even ok to enjoy it a little too. 

A few things I can’t get enough of recently…

March has been a pretty crazy month and there’s been so much to talk about but I haven’t been feeling so inspired to write a lot lately. I’m not sure why. I feel like it’s taken me this month to really get in the groove of both my schedules and get on top of my finances. This last week I’ve finally felt like I’m in that space. My body has adjusted to my crazy sleep schedule somewhat and I really feel like I can be on top of all the other things in my life too. It feels good. I budget my money each week, I buy groceries to make myself lunches for work, I keep up on my laundry and am paying my bills on time.

The pieces have all fallen into place. It puts a smile on my face just thinking about it. I can’t help but feel like I’m in a place in my life that I’ve always wanted to be in. I’ve never had my own apartment or payed rent or utilities and such. Now I do all those things and it feels so…natural and comfortable. Like I’m really taking care of myself in a way I’ve been needing to. Like I’m….dare I say it….an adult(ish)??!! Sure I’ve been paying bills since I got my first job at 16 but this is different. I’ve turned into a bit of a different person since moving here. I cook. Not just microwaving some ramen (although it is still a staple at times) but actually using the stove! And I’m not even that bad at it either. My roommate hasn’t died yet so that’s gotta be a good thing!

The only part of my life that hasn’t been nurtured lately is my crafty side. I haven’t knitted in over a month and I feel pretty sad about it. It just seems that when I do have free time I’m either resting or cleaning or catching up on something else. My craftiness is obviously a huge part of me so I know I need to find a way to start making time for it too. I know I can’t be all work and no play. That’s not my bag baby!

On another super exciting note, my Justin Madison Walker will be here in three days! It’s been over a year since his brothers wedding which means it’s been over a year since we’ve seen each other. No bueno. So obviously I’m thrilled that not only will he be here for a week but I will be going to Alabama for his sisters wedding at the end of May as well. Everything is just better when he’s around so I’m hoping these couple days fly by as quickly as possible.

SO hopefully these feelings of settling-ness will mean more writing here. I did turn 26 somewhere in the last month and it was a pretty great time so I plan on sharing all about it soon.

So nice to see you again!

So far this lovely month has brought me one thing. A cold. My first of 2013. It’s been a pretty mild one though, so I can’t really complain (knock on wood). A few sneezes and snuffles never killed anybody…did it? DID IT????

I’m looking forward to this month this year! I think it’s going to be a great time to really get some foundation made for my new life here in the city. Since moving here I can’t help but feel like the last couple months were a whirlwind and almost like a “blue-print” phase. Figuring out logistics, getting familiar with the location, making sure the ducks were in a row. Let me tell you, those ducks can really be feisty sometimes. A few months of a tornado and then letting the dust settle.

Now, looking at the month ahead, I’m seeing things much clearer.  I have jobs that I can work enough hours at. I’ve come up with a really smart budget(I think) to make sure that none of my bills are falling to the way side. It seems as though making budgets is fun to me now so I’m actually looking forward to keeping track of my income. I wonder is that’s a mid-20’s thing. My tax refund and my wonderful dad were a huge help in getting me out of the debt hole I had fallen into when I moved.  I’m making some great new friends and getting closer to the ones I already knew. Paying attention to the foods I’m eating is something I’ve started to do seriously too. Don’t be mistaken, I will always have a serious sweet tooth that needs attention, but I’m becoming much more aware of how many carbs I eat and how little protein my diet usually contains. At work I order my cheeseburger without the huge bun and opt for a side salad instead of my favorite fries. (They’re just so darn good!!)

With all this change and clarity happening I can’t help but feel like March is going to be great! And if the weather starts getting better then that will make it even sweeter.

Woo March! Bring it!

You meet a guy. You start hanging out. You text all day long. You spend a good amount of time together. You tell him you’re moving away in the fall. He sticks around. He says sweet things. You start to get comfortable.
 Then…at the bat of an eyelash he decides you should just be friends. That it would be better for both of you in the long run since your leaving. And the worst part is, that you can’t help but agree with him. You know damn well that even if you’re not “dating”, even being friends, will make it more difficult come November. You can’t be mad at him. It’s only been a month. He’s being logical and making the decision that you can’t make yourself….or go through with for that matter. He’s actually doing you a favor. You should be thanking him!

You know that you’re perfectly capable of being friends. Why wouldn’t you?? There aren’t any hurt feelings or ill-will. Yet there always seems to be that little bit of sadness at the loss. And you know that at first it will be hard to go backwards to just friends. There’s that backwards thing again. How do guys manage to do that so easily? I envy them.  I’ve been here before and this time is by far the easiest no doubt. But as usual my brain can not be shut off or slowed down. I catch myself thinking back at all the little things that were said. Small comments or jokes. I wonder again what the purpose for this person entering my life is. Does he need to serve a purpose? I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason….so I can’t help but wonder. I’m sure I’m over-thinking.

So at the end of the day, I guess I’m just a little sad. But I do know that it’s for the best. Timing is everything right? It just so happens that my timing is always impeccably off. I can only hope that that won’t be the case someday.